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So What’s In A Number? Try 50

March 31, 2013

Air

Well it finally happened today, I turned fifty (March 31st), something I’ve been dreading for a while. For some reason it’s brought everything into focus, I was the youngest of three siblings and neither of my sisters made it this far, Wendy was 31 and Amanda was 42 and I always followed in their wake. They were both very talented people who’s lives were too brief and today would have been extra special if they were still here. But without them today I feel I’ve made my first step into an unknown territory alone, the kingdom of maturity. I always felt blessed by being a part of a very special family with unbreakably strong bonds, yet now I find myself eight years older than my eldest sister who I always looked up to and that really brings it home for me. So I marked today by taking flowers to the three graves, it was the only thing I that I needed to achieve today. I think it was an important symbolic gesture that I felt compelled to do, it’s about moving on personally, so that I can enjoy my memories without the suffocating weight of grief. I didn’t realise untill after the deaths of my two sisters how much the dynamics of your sibling status shapes your life and how difficult it is to adjust.
The reason I’m writing about this is because it’s all part of my process, your art is tightly woven into the fabric of your life and you have to embrace it and freely explore. But it also feels significant, like I’ve turned a corner and can concentrate on some more balanced work exploring a broader approach with a less specific narrative.
For years I have felt quite subdued in a way that is hard to explain, it’s like a part of you is not there, perhaps it’s something brought on by grief a kind of living in denial to protect yourself. But whatever it is by facing up to my past I feel I can make further strides in my life and work and reach a point of contentment. And its through allowing this whole process into my creative output that I can finally draw all the strands together and make sense of it all and heal some of the wounds. I’ve always been naturally optimistic and tried to make the best of all situations but I have been sorely tested at times, today I’m still optimistic but only just. 😉

Ties

6 Comments
  1. Happy Birthday! All the best.

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  2. Elizabeth Kerry permalink

    Dear Eoghan, Happy Birthday for March 31st. I have been reading our blogs for about 18 months now, and this is the most touching. I have reccently lost both my parents, and I also lost my twins 16 years ago, so I feel I know the significance of the ‘unknown territor’ of aloneness that you write about. I find that I remember the happy memories and talk to my children and parents each day – either in my head, or out loud! I am so glad that you feel a little free-er from the grief, and I will look forward to more of our art 🙂 Being 53, I can say all this with seniority lol!!! Cheers, Eliza

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  3. Elizabeth Kerry permalink

    p.s. You are an amazing artist – sooooo talented 🙂 Cheers, Eliza

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    • Thanks Eliza, I really appreciate your comments and will take advice from your senior status 🙂 I’m sorry to hear about your losses but am pleased at how you seem to cope in a positive way and will think of that in my own life. Many Thanks Eoghan 🙂

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