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The Land of Almost Free

April 5, 2013


Going through life you have to constantly dispel myths as you try to break the moulds of expectation and forge ahead in your own direction, always vigilant of being reined in by society’s pressures. Ever since I was that naughty boy at school struggling to conform to all the rules I would sometimes wonder what drove me to being disruptive. I remember in my twenties finally coming to terms with the cause of my behaviour that still saw me being thrown out of life drawing classes and art history at the age of twenty.  There were many causes but as I reflect now it appears in the main that it was my way of holding onto my uniqueness of identity. I believe your identity is somewhat fragile where you experience your own existence through your freedom of thought and to live a life almost free you need the ability to forge your own path and sometimes (well always) state education just doesn’t nurture the individual. My life is all about an expression of individuality, not following in others footsteps but stepping out in my own direction, I’ve always felt too much stimulation breaks your solitudinal contemplation and invariably pressurises you into new directions. It’s quite an introverted way of looking at life but one that suits me just fine, I find too expansive an approach blows my mind and dissipates my energies and have always felt you can only be really good at one or two things. But finding the space to think and be at one gets more and more difficult as life rains more and more responsibilities and stuff down upon you.  I now really need that space to retreat to and the time to think and while that may appear to others to be non-productive it is an essential part of my process. For years my thinking time has been compromised to which I have to take the blame, for not asserting myself and allowing such a malaise to take over my life. But I have changed things and discovered if you’re on the wrong track you must come off the rails and find the right one, life has a habit of pigeon holing us for the sake of the status quo because society works better if everyone knows their place.  So it’s hardly surprising, when artist’s enter a state of meltdown and it’s probably a good thing too because it’s the catalyst for change. It takes courage to walk away from your success’s, but these are the choices you have to make in life and all you can follow is your own guiding instinct, through your mind and your heart. I have had to make a few choices like this in my life, they’ve all been difficult because there is no easy solution and it’s a messy business stepping into the unknown. At first you make clumsy strides as you search and then gradually a path unfolds that takes you in a direction and slowly a process of refinement takes place as you comfortably explore the new territory.

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I came across some writing by the Indian philosopher/World teacher Jiddu Krishnamunti who constantly stressed the need for a revolution in the psyche of every human being and emphasized that such revolution cannot be brought about by any external entity, be it religious, political, or social. I was amazed when I read this because it summed up what I have been doing for the past year so I read a bit further and found many parallels in ways of thinking which was very reassuring to me. It made total sense of my thinking and attempts at exploration of self through art even down to thinking from different angles so you don’t get caught in a narrow band of thought “A consistent thinker is a thoughtless person, because he conforms to a pattern; He repeats phrases and thinks in a groove”. It’s a strange coincidence coming across this just as I was contemplating certain matters but then the last year has been like that, since opening up my life to the virtual world I’ve been fortunate to make contact with a few very interesting people that have helped immeasurably with my reflective search and introduced the  balance I needed and to whom I will always be grateful.



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