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Being lost and admitting it

June 16, 2013

Made Out Of Me

I wonder if anyone really knows what they’re doing in life with great certainty, I know I don’t but I guess we’re all prone to uncertainty with  insecurities bubbling under the surface, admitting to it is a different matter. There’s a lot going well with my life at the moment, my work is going well and in many ways I’m thriving with the constant struggle for relevant ideas. This is marked by greater  courage in my approach which is probably the start of a whole new phase. However the truth is uncomfortable at times and the bottom line is you’re on your own, occasionally you get lost with no obvious route out of the abyss, even though you continue to function as per usual.  I  have to openly admit to feeling quite lost in terms of my creativity and finding a relevant place for it in the world which has up until know been quite a vacuous experience.  In fact the gallery experience came to represent the void into which all my great efforts disappeared along with my hope, dreams and joy, sold for a few coins.  For so many years I poured everything into my work then I would deliver it to galleries and that would be the last I would hear apart from receiving a cheque if it sold, so the only critical validation of my work was through sales. At times the wall of silence was deafening through its soul destroying message not even an echo from the abyss. But I had fully bought into this world, seeing it as my best option and the option that had least compromise though this was a rather naive assumption because you don’t actually need to compromise at all. But hell I don’t mind admitting that I was wrong (I’ve made plenty of mistakes) and I’ll  beat myself up about it because that’s how I learn and move on, mediocrity is not the answer to great art. However on reflection I would say that life becomes increasingly compromised from all angles which is maybe why I found the compromise of my art a step too far. Though in my favour the world has changed dramatically since 1986 when I first started exhibiting and I have also changed which I’m only just truly acknowledging. My problem is that this experience which after all is part of my life story has scarred me deeply and left me in a place where I  now only truly enjoy art made for personal reasons of expression and not for the market place. In one sense I feel that I’ve outgrown this commercial process that makes a mockery of art and yet I can’t find another place that would validate my best efforts. All that I’ve ever really wanted to do is to be able to make art freely because I feel it’s an important part of a civilized society and not suffer the indignity of poverty and marginalisation. In one sense I have no choice but to stand tough and go for what I believe in order to stem my feelings of disappointment because the feeling of under achieving is unbearable. I feel no self-pity what so ever and understand that great uncertainty lies at the route of my creativity and maybe it’s this that I’m having to come to terms with as I up the ante in my attempt to produce work of greater merit. There are no simple options or solutions but learning to thrive on the constant challenges is good medicine and I would say from past experience my greatest work has always been born out of struggle. The struggle feels like flirting around the edge of lifes precipice and can be of great motivational value, putting a heavy price on the possibility of failure and the subsequent fall. My current situation feels like the most challenging phase of my life and one I have to live through in a very real and vulnerable way because for some unknown reason I feel compelled to strive to a greater level of understanding. It’s a strange and complex personal battle that’s hard to describe because it centres around deep internal feelings that are hard to articulate yet are vital to your wellbeing, it’s something that ties your complete experience of being (spiritually, physically and experientially) together harmoniously.  I have already moved far but have found that with each step you take new challenges arrive and it can be hard to stem this flow. At times it’s like an explosion of ideas and concepts with just so many options that you become lost and confused as there’s just too much to grasp and understand.  But your future depends on your decisions because nothing is certain or absolute and this is where intuition and reactions through engagement come into play, a bit like the Angola game of capoeira that I do on a friday evening that ‘s not based on a rigid doctrine but a free-flowing expression. It’s in other areas of my life-like learning the basics of capoeira going for long runs and finding the energy to lift heavy weights that I have discovered a greater inner strength based on a stronger mental resolve that has come from my determination to do good art. And with my new-found freedom I  choose (for now) to keep on a more austere path free from alcohol, the mass media and any forms of escapism beyond my work though at some point I will probably have to try to jump back into the ebb and flow, so that I can loosen up and party on. But not yet, I still have a little way to go before I can relax and chill in the knowledge that I can duck out for a while and return to my new-found modus operandi. But not too far because I really feel I have exposed enough to work with, explore and come to terms with. It’s been intense (very intense) for some time, like my mind is wired to the max and yet I was built for totally laid backness which is where I must return. 😉

NO MORE SHIT

2 Comments
  1. Nancy Newberg permalink

    ”Happy Fathers Day,Eoghan and may today bring much joy to your heart, your friend..Nancy ♫♫♫

    Like

    • Thanks Nancy I’ve had a lovely day with my kids, just what I needed really. When you’re with your children it puts everything into perspective and life just doesn’t seem quite so complicated. You can have pure and simple fun 😉 Eoghan

      Like

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