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It’s all coming back

July 7, 2013

The original rotund horse and rider

I write my blog as an open expression of my life and work,  sometimes I may not have a point or direction because I’m searching for something, a way forward through my work. Then sometimes in the real world I have a conversation and I speak openly about why I do what I do, yesterday I had such a conversation with a friend in a park and for the first time in a while I spoke about my hopes and my life.  Sometimes it all makes sense and through a brief synopsis of my lifes events it suddenly became clear where I am and what I have to do. I occasionally write about my lifes events and how my sister was murdered whilst making my first large commission and then the tragic death of my other sister shortly after the completion of my second large public commission and how my Mothers suffering weighed so heavily on me that I became overwhelmed and consumed with grief. Shortly after my Mother  died of a broken heart which compounded my distress and though I continued to work my ambition and drive became insignificant, my soul mates were gone there was nothing that I could do about it. I have to confess to drinking red wine as my coping strategy though with the arrival of my own family of three children I had to be responsible and put on a brave face but inside I was destroyed and functioning well below my previous level. Then four years ago I stopped drinking all together and smartened up my act, I can only describe the subsequent years as an awakening as I pulled myself out of the darkness and bit by bit the mist clouding my existence began to clear. In some ways it was like parts of me had been dormant and in my reawakening I was able to feel life with a greater intensity, I had nothing to lose and I had to make up for lost time. The experiences in my life have forced me to dig deep in a way that I just wouldn’t have ever comprehended and also given me great strength because I can now  be very candid with myself, well I had to be to escape my predicament in a meaningful way.

TumbleDown1

Once you move all the clutter and detritus of your circumstance you are left with the core of who you are, what you want to do and achieve with your existence and this is where I’m at right now. I feel I really know who I am now because I have found the strength to stand up and be counted, proud of my achievements and with a determination to go on and push in the real world.  It’s not about vain ego but a  communication from the depth of my humanity which I feel is more relevant than ever in modern society because through all the trials of life I remembered to stay grounded to the core of my being. That may sound grandiose but in a world where art has become more about style and the superficial embellishment of a decadent society you are placed under great pressure to compromise your ethics and values. I have held on to my resolve and produce work directly through my own belief and integrity my work is honest real and flawed because it is a reflection of me and my reaction and celebration of life.

high

All this brings me into the present a place that I’ve struggled to find, where I feel comfortable with who I am and also proud of who I am with my modest achievements. And arriving in the present has been my greatest struggle which has involved listening and being receptive to my world and the people I’ve come across, I call it chance and circumstance and it can just pass you by if you so choose. But for some reason I became hooked into listening and following a trail that was being offered to me, maybe it was because I was opening myself up to the world through a need for direction but who knows all I do know is that it led me back to  the present. I could recount every conversation, interaction and situation over the past four years that have influenced my journey, each one like a piece of a jigsaw. They weren’t all pleasant either, there have been a few occasions that I have been shaken by the sheer lack of respect that I’ve encountered that serve to remind me of a different side to humanity and how when you are down you are vulnerable. And now on reflection I would never seek to find a definitive answer to this part of my journey because there is a level of mystique and magic in life that you are privileged to feel but need not understand, like the special ingredient in art that can mesmerize us all because it unknowingly plays with our senses.

Crayzee1

From here the way forward is now appearing to be quite clear, all I need to do is develop my succesful ideas into a series of large sculptures. Because out of all your life’s work a few pieces will stand out and it’s those that I would like to leave as a mark of my passage, so this is what I shall work towards and see what happens as I continue.

Perspectives

In spite of all that has happened in my life I still feel grateful for my existence and am heartened by the warmth and love of my earlier years which have provided the strength for me to continue and battle on with what is now a more solitary journey. It is the memory of my formative years that hold me still through adversity and allow me to be, well!! me 😉

 

That Feeling

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