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The Broken Bridge

August 6, 2013

Sometimes I feel compelled to write whatever comes to mind, it adds to my creative process and helps me gather my thoughts which can be quite intense as I try to come to terms with my life and look for ways forward. It isn’t always pretty but it’s my raw truth, how I feel and what I think about, publishing it here helps even though I feel quite awkward about it but if I can’t be this open then I can’t succeed with my work because I will always be holding something back out of fear. I have crossed a few lines with my approach to art where I can’t go back and I’m still in no mans land where my options are quite diverse and my breadth of thought feels stretched. So much of my time is spent lost in an abyss of thought that will hopefully lead to some interesting new ideas.

The HomecomingTime out in the North of Scotland

Well here I am back in Scotland for a day or two, I’ve got my kilt on, I’m with old family friends and I’m feeling relaxed and that bothers me because for two years I’ve worked with a total commitment and belief in my art, I’ve had no rest and when I get tired I just switch tack onto a different area of my work. But I keep up the intensity and it goes beyond my work to my physical condition where being fit and strong plays a big part in my new resolve. I feel that by putting my body to the test is like a physical manifestation of my resolve and indicates the true strength of my will by finding my limits or potential. Having built up a momentum I fear stopping because I may lose my way again, where all my fight disappears and I melt into an acceptance of what is. Recently my anger was triggered by a mixed up hotel booking, it was assumed to be my fault and I would pay the price and shoulder the cost, something in the past that I would just accept but not this time. I’m afraid I roared like a lion because I’m sick of the down trodden life that being an artist has brought me. Through this experience I could feel just how deep my motivation and drive is and just how much of a point I still feel that I have to prove through my art. It’s not about vanity and ego but the worth of a sincere expression and how if you dedicate your life to producing art you deserve a platform from where your art can reach a wider audience. I work hard producing art to the best of my ability and beyond, often in quite vacuous conditions and at times I feel that I make great break through’s and come up with innovative ideas but to no avail. It’s almost like there’s a barrier that prevents me and my work from existing where it belongs in the real world. The barrier is I’m afraid to say within the arts establishment, the arts industry for it is the curators, gallerists and bureaucrats that stand between my work and the public. Now that I show my work directly on the internet I’m obtaining  the freedom that I require in the virtual world. Artists are let down in society not by the people but by the inadequate authorities that are unable to see the true value of art and its potential role in the enhancement of life. For example I have never been able to find a gallery that will represent me in London and every time I apply for a commission I get nowhere, and when I try to exhibit my drawings I’m met with blank refusals, the consequences of this can be astonishing periods of self-doubt where I feel totally irrelevant. But then I bounce back and work harder by digging deeper with an absolute belief and commitment, maybe I’m naïve but I have this utmost sincerity that is crushed over and over again  and yet each time I bounce back, strengthened further and fueled by an even greater passion.  It’s like subjecting yourself to a level of cruelty where you expose all that you have in a gesture of open trust only to be judged harshly. In the end you can at times become slightly embattled defensive and withdrawn as you try to protect yourself so that you can build up your strength and esteem.

So today has been a mixed day I feel I’ve detected areas of my work that I need to develop, I’ve felt the desperation to prove myself through my art and I’ve felt the fear of losing my drive/motivation through my two days of inactivity. This art game really messes with your head and requires a cast iron will to succeed when you do it freestyle, in a way I know I’m heading in the right direction, the support that I’m getting at the moment for my work and ideas is quite incredible. But all those years of struggle have left an indelible mark on my being which can be summed up by saying that I will never be satisfied by my artistic achievement no matter how far I go. But then that and the untimely death of my mothers and sisters has driven me to explore new ideas and given me a more pure interest in creativity, the joy of life is in the living of the entirety of your life, and the vain trappings of a rich material life are but a feeble distraction. For example if I had the choice of running through a violent rain storm in just my kilt 😉 or being chauffeur driven through it in a Rolls Royce, I know which I would choose, because I like to feel alive.

No49The glistening from late nights in dull lights

In life decisions are made from options as we choose and find our path, in my experience there is never an absolute way and our learning is ongoing, though for me it’s becoming more focused as I consider my options in greater depth. But I still bounce between all the opposing options, often quite lost and unable to pick my way forward, which is why when I write there is often contradiction. There are also the consequences of your actions in the wider world that add to the dynamic and influence you, which is why at times I need to become so withdrawn in order to find my uninterrupted way.

comeon1The Young Artist 1989ish

2 Comments
  1. Nancy Newberg permalink

    Dear Eoghan,
    I enjoy reading about your thoughts, am hoping you allowed yourself to enjoy your time away to Scotland . 🙂 Nancy

    Like

    • Hi Nancy, I had a lovely time, I took my father and spent my time with old family friends so it was good and I needed a break desperately 🙂

      Like

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