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The Reflectionary Consequence

August 13, 2013

confronting mortality 1Confronting Mortality

Through my instinct I have led a life where I touch base occasionally but then move on before I become assimilated into an institution or established pattern and I never truly understood why untill today, when it suddenly dawned upon me that my creative freedom is dependant on my freedom in life.  A year ago I felt a strong need to keep a personal journal because I had become quite withdrawn and felt unable to express myself openly, in a way it was all part of a bigger story of who I am and how the years of pressure had taken a heavy toll on me. But I’ve fought back to a place where I feel pretty comfortable about expressing my thoughts and ideas on any subject that I choose. I think you have to stand up at times if only for reasons of pride and self-esteem, but in my doing so I feel that I’ve backed up my writing with a great deal of consideration and thought. I feel that writing has become an important part of my creative process and has helped on a personal level, it’s even opened up an interesting dialogue in the virtual world which is  much valued in my life, I now know if I stray too far someone will remind me, after all nothing is absolute. The act of writing seems to liberate my expression through art lifting the fears that restrain expression and now I feel free to expose or publish any work that I do. I actually woke up thinking about these issues and I was thinking about how in my life I chose an individual path where I followed my instinct, a maverick so to speak, where I have led through my own innovation and  not followed the prevailing trends. I believe this is the right path for me in my life even though it creates a lot of pressure because of the nature of society and the herding instinct of the human animal. With my approach the buck stops with me, there is no back up and in that respect I’m totally exposed by the output of my work, I can’t run or hide for that is me and it is here that my current challenge rests. I do need to go much further forward with my work and for this I need to be strong and fearless, but I do feel ready for this challenge which realistically is my only way forward.

The I We CompassThe I We Compass

I do sometimes wonder how I ended up living my life this way, was it through the dynamics and interactions of my early life or was it through the innate qualities within, that whole nature nurture thing. I know the conditions of my childhood were extraordinary on many levels and set me out of the mainstream, a place where I found great comfort in being me (as long as I had a cat at my side). Not only was my family very different from those I grew up around but I myself was exceptionally small and at the age of 16 was by far the smallest in my class which excluded me from so much of the regular activities (I did grow to become quite tall and strong in the end though). I do know that I was always strong enough to be me and never sought sanctuary in the herd or hid from the consequences of my actions which I guess are traits that I still have. As I reflect I don’t feel there is a robust answer to nature or nurture however it’s by addressing impossible questions that you are able to develop your thinking, so please forgive my indulgence. The extraordinary thing is that it has taken me fifty years to mature into a person that is truly self-aware and able to move forward as an artist with a functioning level of confidence that enables freedom of expression.

bridge styleHell Yeah 😉

Sometimes I feel a need to create slightly stronger imagery which may appear out of character but it isn’t really, I believe we are dynamic creatures capable of great diversity and so I occasionally like to test this out for no other reason than I feel like it. There are a few based on images of myself that stand out in that they created a stronger reaction than others and I felt a real fear in posting them because I couldn’t face the possible judgments people would place upon me. But I did and found that I could live happily with the consequences, this little beauty below is one such example. 😉

tangled repeatThe Fine Lines That Hold Us

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