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The Tale of Two Drawings

September 20, 2013

 

I made this drawing two years ago, it was a large doodle, I had forgotten about it until yesterday when I was working on another drawing and I suddenly realised that after two years I had come full circle and found my way back to the top of my pile. The drawing depicts me under the weight and burden of life held in bondage, trapped with nowhere to turn.

changes4

About 2 years ago I felt a strong discontent in nearly all aspects of my life and it showed strongly in my art where I’d become unmotivated and lost. I had no idea what would follow, but I opened up my life to whatever would happen, in some ways I was trusting to fate and hoping that the world would be kind and show me a way forward to a more meaningful life. Throughout this time I’ve worked on new ideas and written many blogs to outline my journey on what has been the most fascinating period of my life. There was never a true expectation and for much of this period I’ve stumbled forward blindly and almost lost, desperately clinging on to a hope that I would once again find a meaning for my art and a place for it in the world.

There have been countless revelations along the path that revealed so much, but they were only the pieces of a large puzzle that had become buried in my despair and with each false dawn I felt that I had got to the crux of my despair, only to find my illusions shattered by my need to continue. So I continued to work and explore my ideas on every level that I could and push myself into greater extremes exploring the hidden depths of my mind. There is no doubt in my mind that in terms of my art I’ve reached a new and higher level, purely out of a necessity for some kind of salvation and to give a meaning to my lifes work. At first it felt courageous and brave as I stepped out of my comfort zone and exposed my thoughts and work online, many a time I would press publish with great fear and trepidation, but never once did I truly regret it because I was becoming and artist with a voice and proud that I could at last express myself freely.

All this work has been about the truth of my life, it’s not been made for money or exhibition, it’s really just about art and the story of an ordinary artist battling to find a space and place to exist in the modern world. To me it’s my own success story because I rose to my greatest challenge and found my self and a way forward through my art and finally established my own visual language with an absolute belief in my ability and relevance. On the world stage It means nothing but to me and in my life it means everything and that is all I need to move forward with belief and pride in myself.

What I really found out is that the reality of life and making a living in the aggressive modern economies is harmful to sensitive artists, they are forced into levels of compromise both real and implied that erodes their work and integrity and shapes them into conformist creatures. When I use the word sensitive, I’m not being precious either because that is the true ingredient of an artist and what makes them stand out, an acute awareness of the senses which is magical and delicate. This is key to the issues that I stumbled upon and where my disillusion was growing from, because my life had reached an unbearable level of compromise that had crushed my spirit and left me totally unmotivated.

There are so many curious contradictions in life and now as I move forward with my work I protect my delicate inner world with  a powerful outer shell, because part of my journey was becoming fit and healthy and strong, I really feel the need to defend my integrity at the moment because of my lifes experience. This fact saddens me but it relates to many thoughts and reflections over my life where I’ve witnessed the destructive force of crass insensitivity often leveraged through the misnomer of progress or economic viability and you have to be prepared to fight for what you believe in or be crushed. I still feel saddened a little that I’ve had to go through such tough times on a personal level but understand ultimately that you need these experiences to really develop an understanding of life and to test out of ones theories and ideas. Ultimately I guess it’s how you find yourself as an artist, you stand up to everything, confront it all and leave your marks. I just hope that I will move forward and use my strength of character to take my work beyond where I ever felt capable of and continue lifes wonderful adventure of living.

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I’ts unfinished and I think I will leave it that way, like life, a work in progress. But this drawing means so much to me It’s a statement from within that implies I’m whole again and can move on and continue with the story of my own unique existence.  And that is no small thing because having the strength to stand up and be you is huge in personal terms, where the work you do comes from an unfettered place.

Changes

Over the last couple of years I’ve learned that my capabilities far exceeded my expectations and that if you truly believe you can do something, it’s possible. I don’t know (well I possibly do) why I always felt so restrained and imprisoned by my perceived abilities and so inhibited in my expression because that just held me back. Though I suppose opening up with free expression is all part of maturing and the continuing developmental arc of existence and empirical progress. Anyway here goes for the next chapter and God knows what will happen.

Wish me luck 🙂

One Comment
  1. Nancy Newberg permalink

    It is you on top of all you work, my Lord we all can do that…..my pile is bigger than yours how ever I did not see anywhere in the drawing the cause of the pile ?

    Like

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