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Beautiful Contradictions

October 6, 2013

tiles

I’ve grown to enjoy writing something on a Sunday morning, it helps make sense of my thoughts which were quite intense this week. I seem to reach mini conclusions these days and move on but this week my thoughts are more about the practicalities of my work and motivation and the vacuum of my existence which is pierced only by the showing of my work online. It made me think of two things, the first is that my work is almost becoming conceptual, because much of it doesn’t exist in the real world as I’ve been reduced to working more with concepts than product. And secondly that the torment and expectation of opportunities to move my work into the real world has profoundly irritated me to the point where I no longer have that ambition. I’ve had to work hard to motivate myself and find a reason to work at my art and that reason is a personal belief and conviction in the integrity of art and human expression. Showing my work on-line is a great space and one I would like to extend, it doesn’t pay any bills but it’s motivational aspect is priceless because it can be seen and there my art becomes available and relevant.
As an artist I feel that I have truly found my way, but my reality still irritates me which is why I feel drawn towards a more conceptual stance. I’m now more content to develop my ideas as a life long study that will be more about a legacy of thought and I will dispense with my personal ambitions so that I’m free from the irritation that erodes my equilibrium. I would really hate to become bitter through my lifes struggle because it would impact negatively on my work and life so in one way my choices of direction are all about self-preservation.
Even by stating my intentions here to walk away from my art world ambitions has made me feel lighter, because without those implied pressures I have greater freedom to explore art and its philosophical implications in a less diluted manner.
Over the last two years I feel like I’ve opened Pandora’s box and ventured deeper and deeper into a way of thinking from which I can’t escape and from and which I don’t want to escape from either. In some ways it’s from my lack of success in the art world that has made me into a successful artist in my own eyes, because I was forced to question myself and search for my own personal validation in order to continue, which is almost a perverse contradiction. But then life is full of curious dichotomies and incongruities which are often inextricably related (or linked) to the whole creative process which (ultimately) is all about making strong decisions from choice. Every line on a drawing, stroke on a painting or mark on a sculpture is the result of a decision taken in the moment, decision from the options available.
But I do now feel that after much soul-searching that I can live more happily with a personal feeling of success and worth, which after all is what life is about to me. By nature I’m a shy person and where I’ve ended up is my true place where I feel comfortable and happy, where my pure awe and excitement with the creative process of art is still intact.
I’ve feared losing the innocence that is so important in an open exploration of creativity, because the constant battering that artist’s take can lead to a bit of scarring and defensive reactions that can dominate thinking. But I now know that in my own life my integrity is still intact (just) in spite of all my adverse experiences, but it’s been a personal battle to get back to this way of thinking where ideals and concepts are untainted by adverse reaction and possess a degree of purity of thought. So instead of making art to fit a brief, to match expectation, or to impress, I make art to resolve or express my reality of existence and being. I know this will still often be diluted or distracted through realities and the great flaws in my nature but at the centre of it all there is a great focus and reason for doing my art and that connection is one that I hope never to lose again and be cast back into that wilderness of meaninglessness.

in between

Oh what a tangled web

incomplete

Dirty Angel

hedge hog

ThreeOld red pants

Live Life ~ Love Art

🙂

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