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To Always Question Why?

November 22, 2013



I feel the decisions you make define who you are and I’ve become increasingly aware of how integrity gets in the way of acceptance in society. I feel so strongly about truth in art that I’m no longer willing to dress anything up or shroud it with some mystique that by it’s definition is bullshit. I’m also finding that true statements often have no value in terms of capital because as a society we are looking for neatly packaged concepts that often don’t reflect the gritty reality of life. It has to be box office and sold on potential popular interest.
The reality struck me today when I got a polite email saying my story and art was not worthy of wasting resources printing in a book (I have no problem with one persons opinion) and I wondered if you came up with a contrived angle that would sell a book people would be more likely to go with or at least be interested in producing one. I’d only sent the email because a friend thought it worthwhile, but I’m pleased I did because the response is curious and has made me think.
The reality is that bullshit is big in the artworld and there are great rewards to be had, but there is always an ultimate truth about what you did and why you did it (with your lifes work). And this has always been my stumbling block, because I want to be able to look at myself in a mirror and know whom I’m looking at, I can’t truly pull the wool over my eyes and fool myself. My struggle over the past 2 years has been finding the strength of character to stand up for myself and my actions through my work and to give myself the space to make exactly what I feel I want to and need to (to satisfy my soul). So now when I meet with rejection I don’t think, well what can I do to get people to accept me, no quite the contrary I think carry on. Life as an artist is real, philosophical and dirty, a path emerges from the chaos and you explore it with believe in spite of all the external pressures, the art leads you not the reactions of others. It is a gamble but one I would prefer to take even if it means losing than to never be brave enough to take it.
I’ve got used to a pattern of rejection whenever I get in touch with people so it doesn’t affect me adversley any more but it does make me think and reflect about life and society. My role in life was never going to be one of compliance because my soul has been tainted with a rebellious spirit. The strange thing is that all my struggles lead me further away from conforming, towards following my own intuition because I know there is more to life than pleasing the facilitators compromised beings. I think I always knew that my success would lay outside of the mainstream and now it feels that it lies within and how I feel about myself. Maybe my state of nefelibata is becoming chronic.



No matter how much I work and write I just can’t stop my growing sense of anarchy, I stayed silent for too long and allowed the pressures to build up just too much. But the way I feel right now is perfect for my creativity because I feel overwhelmed with ideas and reasons for making art. Fit to burst is how I would describe it and the act of creativity is like a presssure valve easing the pressure, I’m sure if I stopped working I would explode.
So for now I’ll keep working driven by a rebellious spirit that seeks nothing beyond the expression of 25 years of silent acceptance. I hope that by highlighting my own frustrations, it will act as a catalyst for others to see a way around lifes great obstacle course.
I think it’s so important that people feel they have the right to stand up and make there own gestures to add to the mix in a world that feels just a little bit too global in a corporate sense.
My other option is to remain silent and accept defeat, sit in front of a tv and be spoon fed a diet of pacification, where my agenda for living is set and I become indoctrinated into compliance. To allow poular culture to wash over my soul and live in a land of make belief.
In my own art I ask questions about life, sometimes I provoke and sometimes I subvert but I try to do it with subtlty. To create a reaction or response, I have no great wisdom beyond an ability to ask questions with my unconventional spirit. Maybe art really doesn’t tell us anything but allows us to awaken to ourselves and question our existence, which in itself is a noble gesture.





my responsibility

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