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All power to the pencil

December 12, 2013

 

Figuring it out

As an artist I have found myself on a personally profound quest, in a life filled by a stream of never ending questions. I find answers to some, but nothing absolute as I move along on what is a journey of uncertainty. There are answers to the simple questions of life concerning material circumstances and the houses of card in which we are expected to trust in. But the real issues concerning matters of being and the feelings of connectivity remain shrowded in a teasing mystery. In one sense I’m not really looking for answers because the magic and surprise of creativity holds me in it’s spell, captivated by the sheer possibilities within us all.

Being an artist isn’t a static process either and for me it’s driven by an overwhelming passion and a most teasing experiential development of perceptions, knowledge and understanding, that offer staging posts along the way. A short rest before moving on to the next question or stage in which you will have to earn the wisdom that will allow you to progress. All the time this is going on you also have to deal with all the other matters of reality and survival, trying to compromise your endeavours to fit within the material world. You also have to deal with change on a personal level as you evolve through the process, where nothing is absolute or set in stone and where a firmly held belief today may be dismissed tomorrow.

The reality is, is that your struggle is neatly woven into the fabric of your work wether you like it or not and it’s a life driven by choices and decisions. At the moment the finished product of my creativity has become less relevant as I become more wrapped up in the process and struggle with what I feel are more intellectually based concepts. Whilst the work is obviously the driving force it has become more of a gesture of intent and a marker in what I feel is a more fluid approach to art. I don’t really want to put it out there and be judged on it any more because that really becomes a distracting force and inhibits my progress. Really that is why I’ve allowed drawing to become the way I move forward, it’s direct, immediate and suits my current direction.

 

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And this I wrote last night on Facebook

My life as an artist has held me captive for thirty years and offered me an unending search on many levels. Sometimes it can be quite intense and my mind wanders over so many questions that have no absolute answers. For example I look for truths in my creativity, but they are impossible to define and are also constantly shifting through changing circumstance and developmental shifts. Three years ago I fully believed what I was doing was right for me, I felt I was being true to myself as an artist, but the past three years have uncovered how I was caught up with chasing ambitions that subverted the direction of my work. I can be honest and own up to this now, but it demonstrates how I pulled the wool over my own eyes and possibly always will in some way. It is hard to be totally objective even though I try my hardest but the creative endeavour continually reveals aspects of character.
I feel I’ve reached a stage in my life where I’m comfortable asking penetrating questions for which there are no absolute answers and taking comfort in the fact that they offer direction. Sometimes it almost feels like a scientific analysis with so many questions which in a way direct a logical progression through a lifes work. Because with each new work you ask questions and usually learn something that keeps you moving along your developmental arc.
Part of my recent endeavour has been to divorce myself from the art world so that I can follow my own path of discovery without being a performing monkey jumping through hoops. I consider myself rejected from the art world anyway and this has helped me dismiss the institutions and expectations, which in turn has set me free. I have nothing to prove and nothing to lose, just a personal journey to gain as much insight, wisdom and knowledge as I can. The only thing now that I can blame for holding me back is myself in a life that will not be about success or failiure, but experience.
At the moment I have no great frustrations and have almost created the environment where I feel free to work, much of what I’ve dumped is phsychological and part of the burden I feel most of us carry through life. But I feel lighter and have a greater sense of freedom and for the moment travelling light suits me.
Art can get a little heavy sometimes

 

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