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My Star Lit Dream

January 25, 2014

expectation

 

I’m starting to believe that the route to making art should involve (in part)  the by-passing of ego, because I can’t see a way of reaching the feeling of creative freedom, when ego is the driving force. It’s just another intriguing dichotomy of the broad concept we accept as reality, because ego is a real part of the human condition and I believe it’s important one, but it brings an awful lot of baggage that can blind you to other aspects of your own reality.  I’ve seen so many people trapped in by their ego’s and blinded to life because they just can’t step out and accept that life is bigger than “I”. I’ve mostly witnessed it in the many duels of ego as I’ve seen people entrenched and dug in to immoveable positions driven by absolute certainty.  At times I feel an absolute certainty with my work but  producing art has a habit of undermining such folly and exposing the flaws, from which we are partly constructed (in  a very broad term). I feel that my fixation with truth, freedom and integrity is the way I deal with the ego issue and how I remove some of the self deceptions that I feel hold me back in the development of my work. I could be wrong because my opinions are contrary to popular belief, in that ego and art are not the greatest bed fellows because they result in work led by the distractions of proving points and demonstrating how good the “I” is. I personally find boastful art to hold less of the soul and in fact portray a more shallow projection of vanity into the world. In my own life less is more, all I want is my work to come from my mind, heart and soul as an honest outpouring of my own humanity and response to life. I could have approached art from a more superficial stand point and aimed it at attracting attention, through various means, but I always tried to avoid playing a game with art because I believe art to be the most fundamental and important expression of humanity. So for me to survive as an artist has always been difficult, I follow my instincts in a world very much led by opposing values, where gimmicks and just being different are celebrated but none of the values that I hold dear to my heart are recognised and I can say that because of how I’ve been treated as an artist for the past thirty years.  I feel no bitterness and I feel no self-pity either because I’ve always had choice and I used that wisely to make my life an interesting adventure, in mellow moments I’m proud of who I am as an artist and also proud of my intellect because I’ve come a long way from those early years where I felt crippled with silence and unable to communicate freely. But most of my time I feel locked into a deep struggle to push my work to a level that satisfies my soul and makes me feel secure in a belief of self, something that up to now has been quite elusive and at times drives me to despair, though I’ve learned to use this as the driving force to push me nearer to my limits.

fab four1

 

So for now by removing fear or expectation through the judgement of others, I can  isolate and deal with the impulses and concepts free from many constraints and I  try not to show off and fit my work in to a broader art world context, instead I focus my energies on making work that I believe in. By ignoring the art world with its fashions, protocols and expectations I’ve given myself even more room and opportunity for the expressions of my truth and freedom. I feel inside that I’ve arrived at the right place to once again launch forward with a renewed focus and direction, but as yet it is just a feeling or an impulse.
I’ve spent the last four years wrestling with so many ideas and have learnt so much on a personal level about who I am as an artist and what I hope to achieve and I can say that I’ve probably learned more through my failures than my successes. Through my art I’ve deconstructed much of myself and my ways in an effort to see through my depths and disguises and through the thousand or so drawings I’ve learned true lessons that I could not have learned any other way. It’s really through feeling  and the doing that I connect and make art that I feel is genuine and what ever the judgements are they are beyond my control and I’ve learned to let go because my work isn’t about a day of judgement.

 

I had a dream too

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