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In the silence of a noisy world

March 12, 2014

5Hell Babe

 

Having led an openly creative life for a while, I feel a need to close the shutters but not completely which is why I’ve retreated to my blog which is read by few and exists more as a gesture than anything else. I enjoy writing as a means to discovering who I am and how I feel, because creativity is a complete mystery, a little gem of  magic that can’t be tamed or controlled and has to be nurtured to blossom into meaningfulness.

2Looking at Composition

 

Through writing and the exposure of my work I’ve discovered much more about life, how people react and how there are traits in some people, which are profoundly directed. I’ve come across many people on a similar journey to myself, broken open by the realisation that there is so much more to life, who ask questions in the hope of finding greater depths and meaning and an understanding of the spiritual nature of our existence which is so often crushed and torn from our lifes. I have felt reassured by these people who don’t judge so much but try to understand the nature of an open search and discovery of creativity and humanity. You must forgive this broad generalisation because within this view-point there is great individuality in method and approach.

4Primitive

 

I’ve witnessed controlling behaviours that feel a need to understand and direct and control through any tactics that implement their own security or agenda, which becomes a defensive tower built without foundation and in the end a limiter to growth. These people are more aggressive and pin their projected views onto you with great conviction and belief and from these people I’ve learned to accept difference but also found the strength to stand up and defend all that I do in the face of any opposition. This has been one of my most important (and hardest) lessons, because so often in life your spirit can be crushed by the bombastic souls who seek to enforce their will. As an artist I feel vulnerable, because my art is dependent upon the sensitivity I need to create and feel life. In here lies the curious mixture of sensitivity and power that you need in order to feel free to create. I guess it appears to be a child like naivety, but it isn’t its just an open and enquiring mind searching without judgement for an understanding and knowledge of life, which can intimidate some people because they feel there is a hidden agenda and a threat. In that sense art is not about judgement, but an observation and understanding of the broader context of life and society, understanding more about the varying characteristics of individuals and finding the strength within this tumult to stand up and be counted.

1Simple Forms

 

A third observation that has hit home is the competitive nature of many people and art is no sanctuary for this, I would say that art is becoming dominated by those with the loudest voices and that meritocracy in art is at best questionable, so in a way the bullies and big shots rise to the top. This flies in the face, of the essence of creativity as I understand it and explains my dissociation from the art world and its current values of promoting brash calculated statements of conformity. Creativity for me is based on subtle connections and an intrinsically magical feel, underpinned by honesty and integrity, not a statement over powered by some pseudo intellectual dogma that excites all the right people. I become lost in creativity, beguiled by the sheer wonderment of it all and in so doing lose my bearings with regards to the reality of a commercial world, in creativity my spirit is awakened and I feel alive but in business I feel detached and find it to be a complete anathema to me.

6Rough Rocker

 

Finally whilst on my generalisations, I’ve observed those who go through life with indifference, caught up in a wave that is flowing so fast they grab whatever they can along the journey snacking on everything, but never committing to anything and living in fear of missing out. In a way this underpins the nature of modern society, been there, seen it, done it and got the T-shirt, overwhelmed by imagery and sound bites. Paying lip service to everything but failing to understand in-depth because in one sense there is no need to because you can always move on to the next thing.

7Star

These observations are important to me, because they give me an overview of a society from which as an artist I feel detached, so how in the context of this society do I feel relevant or more importantly is there a role for an artist like me within this society. I don’t have a single answer  to this because I feel my values and beliefs fly in the face of current trends and to stick to them will cause me great pain and hardship through a feeling of irrelevance. Conversely I could follow my shallow side and produce brash work with a topical narrative and assimilate myself into a system that I find destructive and excessive, which would lead to a strong conflict within. I could also compromise, something which I’ve already done at times and has already lead to great dissatisfaction in my life. These are rhetorical questions because I’ve already thought these issues through and realise that my direction has emerged from my forensic deconstruction of self in which I realised there was only one option that satisfied my soul and that was by following what I believe is true to my being. My hope is that by being as honest as possible with myself and demonstrating a sense of integrity through my work that people will sense and understand what I’m trying to do and say through my work. Maybe it will create a little oasis for some in a mad world or maybe not, all that I can do is work with an intention and hope that it will achieve a little significance and in so doing lead a satisfactory life, connected to who and what I am, so that I feel the peace of being at one in the moment of my life.

3Door Way

 

In some ways I’m reconstructed, from where I was a year or two ago, because I was utterly lost and had to learn to  trust in life and the world in order to find myself. I could have limped through my life unhappily and bitter but the simple truth is I love life too much and feel just too good in the core of my being to spend a life suffering. I guess it was this inner spirit that guided me through a period of great darkness and has lifted me to the point where I want to celebrate life again through my work, so that I can work and smile and laugh and just enjoy the pure complex simplicity of being.  All my experiments and crazy work, the swearing on drawings the utterly ugly drawings, the beautiful drawings the wild and wacky sculptures were all a way of finding myself and the confidence to express that freely. Through this process I’ve been amazed at the potential we have when we feel free from the constraints that shackle our lives and exercise our rights to be creative and free.

that catMeow

 

My struggle has been an epic one for me and at the age of fifty I run every day, I exercise and weight lift in an attempt to fight my way through hard and challenging times, because I don’t want to admit defeat and allow my life to drift into a mediocre existence with my hopes and dreams shattered. I love life and the great gift that it is, which makes me desperate to find a way of using mine, that allows me to  live with a sense of satisfaction and purpose. Two years ago it felt like the weight of the world was crushing me, but now (even though I’m sitting here with man flu) I feel light and free to go about my business the way I see fit. Now I’ve found my way it’s time to fly in the direction of my choice.

just becausecurious

my beautiful prisonMy Beautiful Prison

TrinityTrinity

 

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