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Moving Forward In A Most A Peculiar Way

March 17, 2014

 

 

fab four1

Just when I’ve reached clear water and can swim freely, another wave comes in to halt me in my tracks, making me face up to even more challenges, all of which I need to confront.  It seems like a never-ending flow of crucial lessons and experiences that bit by bit are unmasking the constructs that almost held me at a given level, before dissatisfaction overwhelmed my life. Presently I’m considering the question of, what am I looking to do, in moving forward with my life and work? I know that I wish to continue my developmental work through drawing, from basic studies to complicated composition and this I feel I can almost take for granted. Recently  the practice of  drawing has become essential to my process and a must for my developmental arc. But what of the work I produce, be it sculpture or possibly paintings, well I feel that each piece created, should be formed out of a personal challenge and that developmental growth should always be a consideration. I now know that going forward is not about laying down rules however I need to have an aim or purpose, a reason to devote my lifes energies to a worthwhile practice that I believe in. But without rules I have the possibility of an open search and exploration without preconceived notions and predictive creativity and it is my best way of avoiding  an intellectually led contrivance that strangles the freedom of creativity. All these matters that I write about are important to me because at the heart of creativity, you need to find a drive that is true to who and what you are so that your creativity is released in a connected way. I also need to protect myself from the reality of mass production for the sake of generating funds, because this is the mother of all traps that extinguishes the spark of creativity in the soul.

A2 sketch

 

At the core of my humanity I always return to the feeling that life is beautiful on a soul deep level and that the gift of life is a great privilege, but this contrasts heavily with the restricted existence of society and I’ve always felt a need to retreat and protect the beauty within from the vanity of ego driven life. Life is not about a competition for me it’s about an experiential journey which I’m starting to believe is more spiritual in nature and the reality of the rat race is a more superficial ego driven distraction, these are uneasy bed fellows and hard to reconcile. To put it simply I know what leaves me feeling satisfied on a deep level and I know what satisfies me in a hollow and meaningless way and I always did, which is why I devoted my life to art. So now I would like to celebrate my life through my work, using form, volume, line, colour, composition, tone and proportion, all of which I feel are  the tools I need to explore with freedom. I feel in one sense my biggest challenge is still myself and having the courage to cast aside my ego driven inhibitions and my self-conscious hang ups that inhibit my freedom because of perceptions based on conformity and  general acceptance. This is where being brave and courageous is the only answer to realising ones possibilities and regret from  fear is simply not an option in my life, because I’ve run out of options. I can tread water and survive at the level I’m on or I can push forward into the unknown of my own existence and armed with hope and faith carry my belief forward into the reality of my life. So this is the spiritual aspect of being, something we all feel but know not what it is and to explore it you need faith and trust, I see it as my intuition, my innate feel for life and art and whilst I support it with intellect and my technical abilities it is still free and what I feel is the magical ingredient of art and life. The fact that we can’t control or understand it, is what makes it so special and to access it, feels like a great risk and trusting in something beyond logic or the rational, because it runs contrary to the ego driven world that society has adopted. Societies that have adopted religions as a one size fits all solution to our spiritual needs, when in fact our spirituality and soulful connection is our greatest gift, because it is the essence of our life and we all feel it in our own unique way, in the stillness of being. I personally don’t believe in a God because I have never felt this need, but I do believe that I’m part of a dynamic force of life, a speck on a planet that is a speck in the vast infinity of space and I don’t need to understand this beyond the reality of my connection, because my reality is that I’m a part of it anyway. I can feel my connection inside when I’m still and unbothered by the petty notions and crushing burdens society places on me, but I couldn’t two years ago when I had allowed this burden to crush my spirit.

green

 

So what of my inhibitions in this society, can I deal with them and survive intact? Hell I think so, even though I’ve set about it in a clumsy way, covering my work with profanities and making deliberately provocative statements in an attempt to make more space (metaphorically) to work in. By doing this I’ve had to learn how to take criticism and face up to negative reactions which isn’t so bad really and in a way just exposes the egotistical nature of being which is probably the enemy of free creativity  (contrary to popular belief). There is no doubt in my mind that I feel a greater sense of freedom and that my final barrier is the understanding of ego on  a much deeper level, because it is still an issue in my life and still solicits defensive reactions that simply inhibit my progress. It may take the form of an aggressive exchange when I feel someone has disrespected me but the fact that it happens is indicative of a way of being that is contrary or counter productive to my human values. Because this level of reaction influences and subverts the creative output from the internal spiritual notion to a projected and reactionary egotistical outburst, targeted at a more specific criteria that feels just too external for me at this moment of my life. In my work I like to pose questions without looking for  answers and from this I get feel of acquired wisdom an empirical knowledge, but there is no proof and I’m certainly not fooled into thinking that my concepts are of great importance, which is why I write so openly. Also through my work I hope to trigger thoughts and stimulate people to enquire a little by asking questions, but I also wish for people to enjoy my work as a celebration of life (particularly my sculpture), so my work is layered on many levels without a narrative and is based heavily on intuition and a natural process of creativity, which is contrary to the great phenomenon of contemporary art. That is art without a specific context, without an absolute reason for being, yes and I’m proud of that  because it is purely a human expression and nothing more, because I am simply another human being, I feel therefore I exist.

I had a dream too

 

I’ve always had an ability to communicate in a visual language, it defines me and is something that I feel deep within, its precious and something that I have fought to hold onto amidst all life has thrown at me, through this I have learned so many lessons, but only now have I realised its true value to my life. A life that has been full of challenges that somehow always proved positive and taught me so much, the last one being how to let go and walk freely unencumbered, for now its very much first steps but soon I hope to be running freely with my work and life.

a simple line 1

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