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It’s My Birthday and I’ll Draw if I Want To

March 31, 2014

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So today I turned fifty-one and I got that feeling of not quite being comfortable with who and where I am, but it was better than it has been for a few years. I’m closing in on being where I need to be and finding a belief in myself that has eluded me for nearly a decade, last night I drew till two in the morning then I did my 5 km run, the 121st run in 121 days. The running  has come to symbolise my determination to overcome the hurdles of my everyday life put the past behind me and charge towards a future, so no matter how I feel, I just run and in that half hour I renew my vows to myself to fight on.

 

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Drawings like the one above represent just how I feel and speak of my life-like a shattered jigsaw with a level of  confusion, but the defiant marks and gestures prove a valuable tonic to my life, layered with profanities the drawing is no more than a raw outburst. An expression to rid myself of the burdens and inhibitions that I’ve allowed to pile up over the years, a cathartic gesture that counts and lightens my mood.

 

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The fighting Bull drawing is an incidental scribble in my tiny sketch book, suggested by wandering and inquisitive lines, it really sums up an aspect of the brutality of life and the will you need to stand up and express yourself with a level of fortitude. I feel this battle on a daily basis as I try to justify my time spent being creative in a non receptive environment.

 

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It really doesn’t matter what my drawings look like because they are more about questions than answers, this scruffy drawing is a search for interesting equine compositions and whilst I was at it, I used the gaps to empty the words and thoughts on my mind, so that I could feel free. Sometimes it feels like everything matters so much that my actions are inhibited by a false criteria that feels like an intrusive imposition on my existence.

 

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Another page from my tiny sketch book, digitally distressed and coloured on my computer and again this drawing is a polite enquiry into the simplification of the horse with exaggerated proportions.

 

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The three drawings above are a closer look at the ideas suggested in the scruffy drawing I did earlier in the day, which proved to be quite fruitful and really made my day, which was a day full of concern about how far I had travelled in the past year. Through the course of a long day I was able to make my feelings bearable, because I realised that contrary to the previous year I had moved closer to establishing a more profound level of expression.

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I’m afraid I can’t resist humour, it’s an essential ingredient of my life and  a different way at getting at the truth of  a life that is so often veiled.

 

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So right now at this moment if I had to communicate how I felt, this horse and rider would describe it nicely. Comfortably sitting up on high but precariously balanced knowing full well never to take anything as certain.

Now I can live in hope that this next year of my life can offer me the riches and growth that make life so beautiful and meaningful. 🙂

 

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