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Looking Beyond Myself

September 17, 2014


I have learned so many lessons the hard way, but now I intend to confront the challenges that result from my approach to life and deal with the issues that arise from my creativity. I believe this is probably the clearest path in pursuit of a meaningful existence, which is what I crave, even though my life feels like a complicated labyrinth of entanglement. My recent attempts to escape from escapism have had a huge effect on my life and created a void, in that I take no comfort from meaningless pacification, in a sense it has created a harsh environment where I have to face up to my reality with a level of sobriety. I take no comfort or reassurance from any external sources and I don’t look for anywhere to hide, instead I patiently bide my time for the solutions to materialise from my creativity and in so doing my life is starting to feel authentic. At times this process of eliminating the meaningless detritus that comforts us can be quite harrowing as you become exposed to your own detached reality and there is nowhere to hide, nothing to alleviate the stark confrontation of self, knowing or feeling that true comfort possibly comes from oneness. To put this into a relative context, I would say that this is about a mysterious search for a contentment through my art, I don’t know what I’m looking for but I will feel it when I find it, but untill I find it I will feel a discontentment within. I didn’t always feel like this, but my circumstances have left me with a hollow feeling, a feeling that I didn’t progress out of weakness and a lack of fortitude in my approach. I know I will find my way because I’m determined to find a solution through my work, no matter what it takes.

As a younger person, I smoked and drank a bit, I would read fiction, watch tv and existed with all the distractions of fashion and trending fads, all of which offered a distraction from a true self realisation. Though I would drop out and work on my art religiously, the escapist trappings of society played a significant role.  I wasn’t able to objectively see through the mechanisms of society and I certainly didn’t have the confidence, wisdom and insight to see to far beyond what we all take for granted, But as I have pursued my art in search of greater sincerity I wasn’t able to find robust reasons for accepting the status quo and my dissatisfaction has necessitated renewed inquiries. Somehow through my work I was eventually able to find the strength to take the steps forwards so that I could resolve the questions and uncertainty that have always been with me. Going beyond the superficial and into the realms of a truth and relevance is complicated and I know that I’m still a long way from reaching my destination, though I believe my intentions are right for me. I used to believe that for success my art should reflect more popular cultural trends and I tried to mix contemporary with timeless, but now I realise that my work needs to approach a greater level of purity and that I need to express myself without prejudice or predicted reaction. This is because I realised that success for me is about how I feel about myself and not about the ego putting on a show for others in search of praise.

The upshot of my recent approach is that it can stoke my insecurities by creating feelings of doubt, doubt that can only be satiated by the acquisition of developmental progress that materializes through my thoughts, writing, drawing and sculpture. Whilst I feel there are signs of conceptual developments there are no conclusive solutions and the questioning evolves in a reality that reflects a life that is far from static. I guess our lives are extremely dynamic as our organic interrelations with sensory perceptions create infinite evolving possibilities, though we each choose to define our own parameters, beyond where we fear to tread. I don’t think that Art likes boundaries and that is what makes an artist’s life complicated, from the outside it may appear like a torment, but from the inside it is based on personal choice and courage, courage to go beyond the horizon. I believe that sincerity prevents simplistic conclusions and gives way to feelings of integrity and authenticity that replace the socially engineered constructs of civilization. A big question for me is can I stand alone as an outsider and feel secure in that reality and is this approach sustainable. Because there is a slight feeling of indignity when you are sidelined, something I’ve learned to live with (only just), particularly when my belief in my own work is so strong.

Art has offered me so much throughout my life and given me great purpose, but it has raised so many questions and no sooner than I answer one, I then become bombarded by a whole series of others. So the patterns of construction and deconstruction continue as part and parcel of the creative process, the feelings of pride and victory dashed by the cruel feelings of self-doubt in a life polarised by enforced struggle. A week ago I felt great satisfaction whilst today I feel the inadequacies of my limited aesthetic sensibility, desperate to break free from my constraints. I sometimes wonder if my window on the world is too limited and if I suffer from a limited aesthetic, something which I constantly try to expand on. However these insecurities and doubts motivate me to dig ever deeper and in that respect they are positive and real. I no longer have the time for the glory and pride I enjoyed in my younger days because my standards and expectations have risen so much through my objective analysis of creativity. I’m no longer moved by much art work because I seldom see any art of extraordinary significance, which is partly to do with the times that I’m living in and the overwhelming production of stuff.

A Horse

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