Skip to content

Fuck you, you Fucking Fuckers, cos I’m alright

November 28, 2014

41

Yes I’ve finally converted to capitalism lol, not really, but I am alright at the moment. After loads of tests, invasive investigations, needles and blood tests, I was told by a specialist that there was nothing sinister behind my three months of on and off internal infections, just a flaring up of the same infected area because the antibiotics were not fully killing it off. The truth is that I have had enough of illness and have started running 5k’s every night to strengthen me up and give me that natural boost from exercise.

Coming back from the hospital I had to take a bus ride which was over an hour so I decided to write this blog out on the hospital letters amongst other activities like falling asleep and waking up worrying if I had snored. 🙂 Being on a bus emphasised my feelings of a transitory state as I start to look to the future.

My life has become like a war of attrition and denial, I haven’t had a drink in five years, I eat a bland diet and I don’t socialize and it’s all part of my drive towards finding meaning (Yes I know that I should get a life).Connecting with my stark reality as a lone being in the vastness of infinity. So after years of questioning, deconstruction and denial, I’m reaching conclusions that the austere truth of my life is that it is full of meaningful meaninglessness and that my flaws are greater than I thought. There is no magic bullet that can give me any satisfaction and I need to be content with being  a model of imperfection.

When you go down the road of objectively analysing everything, you are left with a feeling of bleakness and despair, because through the intensity of an investigative mind we have little to bind us together. Connecting with other people and social experience is of great value on many levels and it offers alternative perspectives, even to reclusive artists. Now as I sit on the bus my thoughts are about the stark choice on the reality based application of theoretical possibility, wondering  if a pure form of art has a place in society. Should there even be a public space for it and if not is it ok for my art to only truly exist protected within my own private space. My beliefs are  just my thoughts and I have to accept the consequences of not playing by the rules. Even though a side effect of making art can be the exposure of incongruities and flaws in just about everything, which can lead to inconsolable despair and heartache, I believe it’s still worth it.

This experience of soul searching has been invaluable to my personal development, though it has left me equally bewildered by life on a much deeper level lol. I feel more aware of the transient nature of realities and have a greater understanding of my situation as I touched base or rock bottom, I think I may know my limits even. Now I must contemplate the hideous task of applying the beauty of open creativity into the confines of some income based endeavour, whilst maintaining my connection to the awkwardness of being. So could I ever return to my past ways of being? or have I changed? through the perpetual motion of life, of course these are rhetorical questions with an obvious answer.

43

In one sense I feel that I beguiled myself into believing in a falsehood that eventually fell apart exposing a delusion, a dellusion that the art world is ok and that I should spend my life making art objects that people would like and buy.  This acceptance and unquestioning approach got me lost and disconnected and only now as I feel whole again am I aware of the delicate balance wich is art. My transition was well overdue, following years of complacency and frustration, beaten into submission by the oppressive nature of society and circumstance. My resigned acceptance saw my fighting spirit disappear as I wallowed in the diluted existence, like a hippopotamus in a shallow puddle at a zoo 🙂 . But at least I made my move and I’m no longer nagged by those frustrations, instead I’m faced with the enormous challenge of developing my work into brave new areas, in an attempt to lead a life validated by my own reflections. I understand that life is a long journey and while I can live with good intent, my reality will unfold yielding something new and many surprises.

I believe we are multi faceted creatures and what makes up the whole is not necessarily complementary, that is, we are full of contradiction and opposing forces that we wrestle with on a daily basis. Something that I have become profoundly aware of  through my free writing. Every day is different and we are different every day, if we hide in static concepts of being we are merely deluding ourselves for reasons of convenience and security. This is the beauty of life, simply not knowing and unable to take anything for granted right down to the fragility of our own existence as we cling on to the magic of life.

At the moment I’m not concerned with portraying an ideal beauty through my work as I play with uncomfortable truths, the worldly gifts bestowed upon me  throughout my uncomfortable life. And I don’t feel that I’m alone in feeling this way, but I must say that  by embracing the awkwardness of reality you do actually find a hidden beauty as you learn to enjoy the challenge of life.  I believe this unconventional beauty is the comfort of  accepting  the truths that you feel  and a celebration of the imperfection we all hold. A beauty that you feel within as opposed to an expression of idealistic gestures made to impress. But as always I’m reflecting on the thoughts that arise from my creative process and how I think I feel about life, what I do feel is that by living a more honest life I feel more complete and at one with myself.

Just remember I’m writing this on a bus, using scraps of paper in a disjointed way 🙂 . All I wanted to write about was how I was going to move forward with my work, the lessons learned and a new strategy of compliance, but that’s not going to happen with my wandering mind, is it?

My lifes work thus far has been a teasing offering, touching both heights and depths, with a focus on the incongruous and perilous journey that is life in all its discordant harmony. In one sense I almost play a game with my work where I prove my credentials before wandering into more obscure forms of expression, this approach keeps a level of freshness to my work and stimulates invention. However as my life continues I feel that my creativity has become more about free thinking than art and that in order to express what is inside of me I need to use words to resolve the complexity of my thoughts and entanglement.

For the moment I’m considering one solution, which is an acceptance of circumstance, but in a non complicit way. I can still effect the realisation of what I feel is possible without any expectations and just embrace the duality of life  versus society. By accepting the inevitable duality and giving up my protestations I can remove the aggravation of those thorns in my side. So I have to live within the duality that society enforces and accept that most of us will feel displaced by compromise, my hope being that I can move forward with my thoughts into some clear air and feel free.

42

Good bye for now beautiful people xxx

❤ ❤ ❤

Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

GERDA KAZAKOU

Eine lose Sammlung zur Dokumentation meiner Werke und Gedanken

Art and Design with Ms Lee

Art and Design at St Catherine's school

tamsinhaggis

my website is at http://tamsinhaggis.blogspot.co.uk/

Awakening Journey

My Spiritual Awakening through Kundalini

İnsanlık Hali

Her insanda insanlığın bütün halleri vardır- Montaigne

Shrink4Men

Helping Men Break Free from Abusive Relationships Since 2009

The Evolution of Eloquence

Improving the English language one letter at a time

NINJAMIE TATTOO

Tattoos and Artwork by Jamie Macpherson

Vikki Hastings Artist

Art is escapist, and escapism is inescapable

Prego and the Loon

Pregnant and Dealing With Domestic Violence

artsocia

the art of art associations

zara-moon arthur

a place to show and share my artwork, past and present

%d bloggers like this: