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Learning how to live my life

December 2, 2014

 

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Through the writing of my blog I’ve been able to clear my path and find a way forward, firstly I dealt with finding my buried voice. Buried through the pressures of conformity that don’t particularly correlate to notions of truth, wisdom or logic, because they are based on convenience and tradition. My near compliance and acceptance of just taking everything for granted and adopting a feeling of being awkward with my questioning mind led to a growing sense of introversion and silence. However the problem was that as a one time free thinking artist I realised that I was now lost, my principles had fallen off my wagon and my life was riddled with dissatisfaction. The problem is that the slide was gradual and life had worn me down, something that was reflected in my demeanour and by the way people treated  and reacted to me. When you become derailed you face options, you can accept the compromise and wallow in dissatisfaction or you can fight for the right to define your own existence. It’s the age-old story of the freshness of youth being jaded through the awkward journey of life and the complex navigation through circumstance untold and how we deal with it. I just believe that life is far too important to sacrifice for the superficial gains of a disingenuous existence. I knew I was capable of a lot more with my art, only I didn’t realise that you had to fight for it with all you have to offer. I found out that to unlock my potential I must first find the keys.

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So I started writing my blog and learned how to express myself in writing using the awkward Bridge-Style that I apply to all that I do and slowly but surely I picked myself up off the floor and turned my total disillusion with life back into one of inspired enthusiasm. This was of course in tandem with my drawing and sculpture, but my blog was vital to my own salvation. I learned to write exactly how I felt in the moment of being and found the courage to post my words publicly without fear of any consequence and in doing so realised that I had constructed barriers within my own mind that were suffocating me. My biggest issue is truth and being candid and open about who I am, how I feel and my hopes and fears, instead of tailoring them to fit within the bounds of acceptance. Our reality is stark and the world is multifarious yet we are all guilty of the selective engineering of being, something that is at odds with the open pursuit of the artist. In my own life I had allowed myself to be funnelled when my journey should have been on an ever expanding trajectory. A big lesson involved writing and creating work that would prove unpopular and dealing with the consequences of reactions and this is one of the keys, because if you pass this test you are more free to express your truth. This is counter to the contemporary art culture that looks for reactions as opposed to internal expression, when I make my art my thinking should not be disturbed by worrying about reaction.

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This period of my life has been the most serious yet, although much of it may have appeared to be flippant, there has been sound reasoning behind all that I have done, physically it has taken  its toll but I had no choice. My sincerity and periods of poverty created such intensities that I was right on the edge of being, but I couldn’t stop because I knew that a compromised life was worthless to me. So I can look back on it now as the most beautiful period of my life where I fought with myself with a ferocious intensity and in doing so released myself and my creativity. I destroyed my persona of a washed up artist into that of a vibrant, excited and fearless artist. I found a value that suited me and a belief so strong which is backed up by all my writing, drawing and sculpture. I’m no big shot in the world but I’m proud to be me, human, vulnerable and making the most of the complicated equation of my life. I still have much to do and I’m up for the challenges ahead and whatever surprises are in store for my broadening mind. A life is made for living and our free will gives us the choice, if you feel beautiful inside there’s no reason why you can’t express it  through the external expression of being.

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From the moment we are born we are groomed into society, conditioned into being compliantly conventional contributors to society, something which we are reminded of every day of our lives. So it’s no surprised that when we have the temerity to question our whole existence and conditioning we’re in for a pretty big head fuck. Art took me to this place where my questions destroyed the appearance of my world and I felt it incumbent upon me to resolve a reason for being. The being of an independent being within a society that is based on questionable motives and reasoning. And yes I found my place and comfort through my ability to express myself and I’ve found a level of comfort, though I don’t want to be too comfortable in case it leads to complacency. At least I no longer have to say “Fuck off you Fucking Fuckers” any more because I’m no longer bothered by the world and that is just how it should be. Back to been laid back and cool as 🙂 lol.

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I started this particular blog entry with an empty head, empty because I feel ok and able to relax, knowing that everything is really alright in my artistic life. I now feel much more free and able to explore a greater amount of possibilities, without any feelings of shame or self-consciousness, where as before I felt the need to qualify my statements so that allowances could be made. I still have a long way to go but I’m back in the driving seat of my own life and feel at one with all that I do, life will of course remain a great struggle for me but I have got over myself and the adverse circumstance that floored me.  I don’t mind the ups and downs and mood changes in life as long as I have hope for my future, which is a stark contrast to my world just a couple of years ago when it had been painted black. I often say it’s not easy being me but that is an understatement these days.

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The past few years have been marked for me with many little revelations pertinent to my life, one concerns the singularity of the artist within the collective nature of social dynamics  and the discord it can create within, because the nature of human behaviour changes with group dynamics. As a child I was very much aware of such behavioural patterns. In particular I struggled with group dynamics beyond a minor piecemeal participation, because I felt cajoled into different ways of being that unsettled me. I believe that art requires solitary contemplation, which is why I feel that ultimately I had no choice but to become an artist.

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Through my blog and writings I have found that it is from women that I have received the most guidance and comments, seeds sewn by those who share similar journeys. The understanding and compassion has been touching and reassuring because it’s complicated when you feel alone and marginalised in your thoughts. These common bonds reach out and touch and form important aspects or gestures of meaningful lives, webs of commonality that span the globe and connect us with a broader consciousness. I’ve benefited greatly from these connections, they have given me a more balanced perspective and opened up my eyes to many further possibilities. But most importantly it helps me get closer to living a genuine and authentic life, which is all that I really want.

Don’t forget to be beautiful

❤ ❤ ❤

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