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Yah Diddy Dah & Blah Blah Blah

December 26, 2014

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2014 has been a kind year to me and I’m finally making some sense out of  my life, a year in which many factors fell clumsily into place. My toughest year without a doubt yet also my most rewarding as I struggled to turn the tables on a career in crisis. I imposed strange conditions to realise my goals like increasing my levels of isolation, which allowed me to connect with my creativity without distraction. In some ways I took it a bit too far which I believe led to a few months of illness, a small price to pay for a bit of satisfaction 🙂 .

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But most importantly, this year I made those steps which have allowed me to feel like an authentic artist as I grew to understand art in a completely different context. It is a huge shift in my perception and has shattered my previous beliefs, though as always my moods and feelings are pretty transient. Although there is nothing totally new, I have at last dismissed the folly of attempting to be a part of the wider art world and instead focus on a personal freedom of expression. Art that is ordinary, no pretence or bullshit and universally  accessible to whom so ever is interested. To finally understand that art should be a public service offered to the world as an open expression from the shared condition that is life.

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I realise that I have nothing to prove to anyone and I now fully trust my own judgement, I take full responsibility for my actions and I’m proud of what I do, because I make art that I believe in. I can do no more than this and it would be a lie if I pretended it was any different. I used to believe that it was my duty to please people with my work and this is so wrong because it is a diversion from my truth. It is not arrogance but honesty and you won’t find me smiling through gritted teeth because I am who I am. I know I’m limited in many ways and can always do better and I’m also aware that I’m blind to many of my faults, so my life will always be a challenge.

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With this latest step I was able to understand myself on a deeper level and this has finally allowed me to feel like a genuine artist, because I finally walk the walk and have defined the talk. I have shrugged off the conditioning which held me in bondage and found the confidence to celebrate my own existence without feeling shamed or beaten down by the negativity of those trolls who knock people with unconventional values. Whilst it has taken me thirty years to stand up tall, I feel lucky to have got to this point, because I feel it is near impossible with the pressures and side swiping that continually knocks me off course.

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Four years go I was down and out, worn down by a relentless struggle and duplicitous existence as I walked two walks badly and it was only my instincts which led me out of the darkness. I now understand that all these experiences were needed to enrich my life and further my understanding so that I was able to find my way through absolute necessity and reinvent myself untill I found my true identity.

And I tell you what, that isn’t bad from someone who is as deeply shallow as I am 🙂 .

These drawings are 30 years old, I decided to draw over them as part of an attempt to reconnect with my younger self.

❤ ❤ ❤

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