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The Fine Line Between

January 11, 2015

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Exercising my free will in the exploration and expression of creativity can be quite a complicated business and it is even harder to articulate in writing. But having  dedicated my life to making art, I really need to understand the reasons why and so I can continue to grow through my creativity and feel the purpose and relevance that will lead to satisfaction and also so that I can continue to make art.

Through my creativity I experience periods of reflection and growth in which my perceptions of self and of humanity shift, it is a personal evolution as I go deeper into what I feel is the essence of my own humanity. It’s almost an unavoidable part of my life in which I feel at times there is no choice, because stasis fills me with a troubled sense of being that deeply agitates me. On a personal level it feels like a form of enlightenment as my insight increases with an added sense of wisdom. I don’t declare my wisdom to be of any relevance beyond my own state of being and when I use the word wisdom it relates to my own developmental arc. My curse is that I must develop as an intellectual being and leave the hedonistic desires behind me.  As an artist I believe you tread a fine line between theoretical knowledge or assumption and the actual act of creativity and while they are elements of the whole of being, they are delineated in practice. (I also feel that the actuality of artistic practice is not necessarily the defining act of an artist’s life). Delineated, because by imposing a rigid theoretical criteria, it would limit the freedom of expression, though do I believe that in my own life much of my theoretical insight has resulted from a creative actuality. The cause being my artistic output and the effect being my personal growth. There is however a commonality in all of my lifes analysis and actions that relates to an endless stream of dichotomies and this duality seems to be inescapable from all aspects of action in my life.

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Whilst I don’t believe that everything in life requires a rational solution, I can’t help but look for one so that I can try to understand my situation of being and move further into the mysteries of existence, both through my art and my thought. Through my experience of living I have never found a theoretical explanation that fits comfortably with my own thoughts, and I feel that this is because of the dynamic vitality of creativity, that by its nature constantly delivers surprises. In this sense I feel that art provides a rigorous testing ground for philosophy, because it is hard to quantify the essence of creativity. This is because art is totally unpredictable and involves a dynamic approach in the moment which can be quite open in a lateral context.

There are always questions for artists, such as, Is creativity a mysterious gift in the form of an inherent talent?  Is creativity a universal trait of humanity? and I would guess that most artists would arrive at different conclusions from their own journeys. The talent assumption is one that I cannot believe in, because it would imply that we are not free and that our free will could be pre ordained. From my own experience I believe that we must all be capable of the various tasks of human possibility, although there will be many mitigating factors. And as with all theoretical assumption, it is impossible to absolutely quantify the actuality of being as a universality, because we have the limited perception of one specific life. As such we have responsibility for our own freedom and in essence are equal,  a lot more equal than I have untill now realised. I alone can take responsibility for my own actions and that is all I am capable of doing, I can offer what I have but not truly impose it on another.

All of the above is crucial to the will of an artist but it also brings into question the very notion of the term artist and why one would ever want to be fixed with a title that would by implication, delineate ones life to varying degrees. And in so doing would diminish the freedom exercised in the living of ones life. I have alluded to this point before where I once concluded that having spent my life wanting firstly to be a sculptor and latterly to be an artist, only to discover that my truth is, I don’t wish to be either and fall into a stereotype that is a falsehood. A falsehood in which I would feel compelled to sacrifice my freedom in order to conform to an expected role within society. My life is my actuality and I must assert my will in order to be free, but that will, will only be over my own actions as I submit to the ownership of my existence.

I would think at the moment I’m closer than at any other time in my life to realising or understanding myself, after years of turmoil as I wrestled with myself and the burdens that floored me. The problem was that I was so caught up in the complex web of societal distraction of compromised existence, that I had lost the deep connections with myself. I as part of my experiential quest for relevance had been absorbed into the system of  our so-called reality. A reality that is so contrived that it bares almost no relation to the utter complexity of  a meaningful life. So why do I spend my life wanting to be free? is always the question at the root of my life, it is always there and I wish I could answer it . I act upon it not knowing why and my desperation to live unburdened is at times overwhelming and always has been. In part I blame the conditioning in early life that distracted me from discovering my own reality, yet this same conditioning is what in some way awakened me to a discord that fuels my quest and intent. I would think at the moment I’m closer than at any other time in my life to realising or understanding myself, after years of turmoil as I wrestled with myself and the burdens that floored me. Again whether I ever truly understand anything doesn’t actually matter, but what does matter in this moment of being, is that I feel a sense of purpose and meaning and that I may enjoy the simple act of being a conscious soul.

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❤ ❤ ❤

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