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Marks laid down

January 16, 2015

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Some days are more significant than others, like today for instance and yesterday too, come to think of it. Days marked by a lot of marks on paper, going over past drawings and playing around with new techniques. It was a good day in which I felt a level of progress, partly through an acceptance of where I’m at on my creative arc and partly because through my art I’ve turned my life around and found a more satisfactory approach. I guess I will always struggle and I don’t mind that, if it’s all for the right reason and I’m able to produce work that I fully believe in.

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Through writing and drawing I’ve made great progress in analysing art both as a practitioner and a viewer, which has taught me a lot and finally given me the strength to cut to the chase. sometimes I write about it in a blunt and clumsy way and other times I allude to it gently. But most importantly I can see with a greater clarity because it has opened my eyes. If I hadn’t stepped up that extra level I would have remained entrenched in self-deception, which is of course the fate of a life of compromise.

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Discovering a more interesting way forward has released me from that feeling of burden and bondage and I can continue to produce art almost untainted. (Apart from a few vitriolic outbursts lol). I knew that if I couldn’t switch things round that I would have started to feel bitter, but I don’t because through my work I’ve empowered myself to do as I please and my fate is in my own hands. So now I’m free to establish my own theoretical guidelines and to follow them, I can do this because I believe in myself once again and realise that as an ordinary being I’m capable of realising what I have to offer.

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Life is no fairy tale or at least it isn’t for me, so to live a life without pretending and to say it like it is, is all I’m looking for. However I’m a realist and living out the dream involves living out the nightmare too, in a life where I don’t seek a balance.

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There are times when the process of creativity is a determined grind, particularly in periods of isolation where the will to produce work is tested to interesting new levels. The constant questioning of relevance silenced by the realisation that true relevance comes from within is just the tip of a huge iceberg. In one way it would be great to be working towards something and yet I understand that my freedom is about doing the cold turkey and working through all the adversity, untill I find a more certain path. The doubts and insecurities are the unwelcome companions that are a fact of my life and push me into a constant search that is uncomfortable but rewarding. In one sense I have a trust in fate and that one day an opportunity that is attractive to me will appear to compliment my lifes activities, but untill then I will work doggedly. This work of the moment really is the back bone of my existence and will determine my future, it is my hard-fought battle to release all I have and find a way that is close to my absolute truth, if and only if I have one. But no matter what the outcome I will have grown to understand myself on a much deeper level. My daily test is when I close my eyes and go to sleep, if I truly feel who I am and if I feel good about myself, then I will be content, feeling I have all I need.

❤ ❤ ❤

 

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