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Three years of Blogging

February 12, 2015

10

I can’t believe that I’ve been blogging here for three years, a period in which I’ve written 472 blogs and had over eleven and a half thousand hits. I can tell you that I’ve got a lot off my chest and even learned how to write in a more coherent way, though I never like to polish my writing up too much because I prefer it in the raw.

Its been a really interesting experience, I think it was five years ago that I stopped drinking alcohol as part of a new lifestyle choice and started to put my life in order, so that I could deal with all the issues that were holding me back, most of which are documented here on this blog. When I first started writing here it was awkward because I had become so locked into my own life that I found it hard to communicate in a free and open way, many a time I would pause agonizingly before pressing the publish button and then wait, wondering what the consequences would be, I think that’s called fear. Eventually I came to realise that I could write what I like and so slowly I became more and more free. The writing progressed accompanied by my visual arts  working almost symbiotically  and so I began the most interesting period of my life, a journey towards freedom from the place of  my own imprisonment.

The issues that had led me to becoming quite locked in were clearly the murder of my sister Wendy, the sudden death of my eldest sister Amanda shortly after she had given birth and finally the sudden death of my mother Maisie. These events truly shook me over a period of a few years and totally altered my approach to life and there was no way back. The problem was that I had internalized my feelings because I was unable to cope with the enormity of loss. In all of this turmoil I had lost my way as an artist and became a victim of my own making, without even realising it. It was instinct that lit my way out of the darkness and allowed me to get my life back on track, but not without a great struggle. A long and protracted struggle in which I was able to establish a way forward one step at a time until I was able to assert my will once again with confidence, so that I could make art with purpose and believe in myself again. My experiences had truly changed me and hardened my attitudes towards art and this was clearly demonstrated by my struggles with compromise and my inability to accept mediocrity within artistic expression. The time lost meant I had much work to do to catch up with where I felt I should have been.

These years in the wilderness had been a bit strange and in this time I had the arrival of my own three children which meant I had to hold myself and my life together, even though my existence was somewhat like a dream state. But eventually I had to lift myself out of the myre, which I feel I have and that is the real reason why I started to blog. As time has progressed I’ve moved on and in many ways I have over compensated for my lost years, going from one extreme to another as I searched for a greater meaning to my life, a process which I have actually enjoyed and found liberating. It has been extreme at times as I purged my mind of all the detritus that has bothered me, but there really was no other way.

This brings me to the here and now where I feel able to reflect on what was for me a dramatic transformation in the unlocking of my potential and I’m already in the process of consolidating the ideas that have evolved over the past few years. Although the thousands of drawings go beyond the capacity of my mind and I only hope that the good ideas filter through. I know that I’m beyond anything I ever imagined as an artist, which is pretty exciting and I also know that there is plenty left for me to explore in the future.

I really appreciate all those blog visits, to those who have read my blogs and left comments because it’s made it feel worthwhile and so, many thanks. As for the future I have no idea what will happen or whether or not I will feel the need to continue blogging, because my focus will be changing once again. Inside I do feel that I need to concentrate my efforts in the real world once again because of my tendency towards an all or nothing approach to life.

When I look back on my life I know my happiest times were when I worked alone in solitude without a care and I would hope that a similar circumstance will befall my life once again where I can enjoy the silence in an undisturbed peace. I think it really matters how you live your life and what you do with it even if that means great struggle. 🙂

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❤ ❤ ❤

 

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