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The Art of Lawlessness

April 27, 2015

128

At the moment my creative balance comes through writing, drawing and thinking, a particularly unholy trinity. Though I must say that I use the term “balance” in the loosest of terms because it’s more about an equilibrium and keeping a lid on the frustrations and feelings of enchainment that making art in non conducive circumstances brings.
It’s a long slow haul in one sense as you chase ideas and thoughts that almost float before you, before disappearing. It seems to me like it’s an obligation for the artist to chase the shadows of temptation in order to briefly capture the moment. And ephemerality is the word because everything is in the moment and no sooner than you achieve, the disappointments come knocking at your door as your mind strays towards the road ahead and the next glimpse of a new idea.
The thing is that creativity can bring you great rewards but it also haunts every moment of your life in a variety of ways, keeping you on your toes. Factors such as complacency can spell the death of creativity along with all the forms of conceit which lure you into levels of mediocrity as you bask in the glory of past achievements.

132

All that I write about are my experiences and how I have fought to maintain my creative integrity in a society which does not really warm to absolute human freedoms and an art world which seeks to control the artists. So often I have felt like a prisoner beholden to my superiors in the hierarchy, subject to their power base to the point where I have had to follow their advice in order to be included in the system. For an artist this is utter humiliation, but very much a part of the system, where the will of the artist is often broken.
I will admit that the system broke me and shattered my life-long dreams, you see if you take my art away from me I have nothing, because I have dedicated my life to it. So when the system crushes a soul like mine, you become lost and that impacts on every aspect of your life and how people treat you. Ultimately I had to find my way back and come through the stern tests and reconnect with the meaning of my life. So often I wished that I could turn my back on art and live a regular life, but I just couldn’t and so I held on to my creativity by a thread. And only now have I realised that you have to be prepared to fight your whole lifetime to fulfill your possibilities and realise an actual meaning to your very existence. You see I don’t want to live a meaningless life when I feel that I have something very interesting to offer and in the end if only I believe in my own life, then so be it. And to fall on the old clichés, it is better to try even if you fail, than never to try at all.
When I deconstruct the way we live and what we attribute meaning to, I realise that we just may base our entire lifes on mountains of assumption, we then gamble our lives on a performance within a set of mutually recognised guidelines. A society constructed around a simplistic economic model in which we can justify any behaviour if it enhances our standards. And this perception of society is a huge problem for me, because art knows no bounds and deep honesty erodes the constructs that govern lives. And it is this level of free thinking that sincere art requires, which I hope explains just why artists struggle in conventional environments.

130
I have reconnected now after my years of compromise but I will not forget the experiences of my journey and I like to write about it for many reasons. Though primarily I like to emphasize just how much art means to true artists and to explain that it’s not some shallow game. And I say this because the art world is notorious for bullshit and pretence and has a terrible reputation which it has brought upon itself.
I openly distance myself from the art world because my belief in art and creativity is too deep for it to be subjected to the terms and conditions of what feels like a conspiracy. Not a sinister conspiracy but one based on a hierarchical order, which doesn’t offer the required support for freedom in artistic expression.

127
In my current phase of work I’m becoming aware of the need for freedom again and how difficult it is to connect in a fundamental way to the raw creativity of being, It’s almost like you have to ignore the busy world and hide away so that you can find yourself. And because of this you become caught between the two realities firstly the reality and consequences of self and the fundaments of creativity and secondly the reality of society and its obligations and expectations. It’s a curious dilemma that is possibly exaggerated for artists, but I can tell you from experience that it often feels like your imprisoned by circumstance, unable to fly and produce what you think you may believe in.
It is such a battle to reach a state of uncompromised creativity but one which I’m determined to achieve and one which I’m getting very close to and possibly touching on at times126

 

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