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The latent creative tendency

April 28, 2015

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As an artist I try to express myself and release my creative energies, but my experiences of art and realities often leave me with an incredible frustration. So much so that I feel like a compressed spring, brimming with latent creative energies and no matter how many ideas I draw out I still feel fit to burst. These feelings result from years and years of compromised existence and reflect what is a supression of freedom of expression. An art world that doesn’t facilitate artists to live and work in a way which nurtures their potential.
On the surface it feels awful to have lived so many years in false hope but deep down I realise that the oppression I have experienced has wound me up so much, that I have no choice but to finally realise my creative possibilities and set them free. I was finally cornered by circumstance and my only way out was to fight and stand up for what I believed in. It’s almost a case of incidental masochism, because if everything is ok why would you go to desperate levels and tip your equilibrium into a world of discomfort.

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However now I realise that I must accept my circumstanes and go forward, exploring the opportunities that life has thrown into my path, dealing with everything in the moment. Living without expectation beyond a creative involvement which will hopefully reveal many surprises. But it is the sheer energy which has been released within that feels like an unstoppable force, unstoppable because there is no good reason to stop the flow of what comes natural particularly when it’s from the most natural state of being which I’ve experienced. I feel that I have truly broken free from the societal dogmas and expectations which have held me back all my life. That unbearable feeling of being unable to connect with myself with an absolute stark confrontation of truth is no longer haunting me. Because I have made the steps and proved my worth enough to fly solo into my own future, fuelled by a hard earned self belief. If I couldn’t do this now then my life would have had little meaning and I would have failed in the duty I put upon myself to work as an artist without compromise.

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My life has really been about a search for freedom and yet in trying to find something so simple, it has been an immensely complicated challenge. A huge part of my battle has been my own personality, in particular a shyness and low self esteem which I’ve finally had to overcome to assert my will, to the extent that is required for more signifiant artistic gestures. To deal with my own issues I had to prove my worth to myself through my work which I feel I did, but in doing so I also became trapped into the art world expectations, which eventually started to hold me back. Even now at fifty-two I realise that my understanding of self is still partial and something that I will always have to work on in order to go forward, developing beyond my limitations. Though at least for now I feel more in the moment than at any other time in my life, aware of myself and aware of the world in a more conscious way. I take little for granted and learn from experience without holding on to things as much,so that I’m free to walk forward in a more expansive way.

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Now as I get closer to the end of another transformation in my life I feel a greater sense of clarity and am much closer to asserting my will over the judgements which define my art. Even though for the moment my net is still cast wide in what is an open search for the gathering of possibilities. As I write and my thoughts unfold I realise that I still need to broaden the search further, by pushing those boundaries which keep appearing beyond the horizon. ❤

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