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This crazy world

June 21, 2015

 

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I’ve always felt I had a strong social conscience and a deep sense of empathy, which has troubled my life on one hand but curiously liberated me on another. It liberated me because I felt unable to be a participant in the human “race”, the thought of grabbing all I could and filling my boots regardless of consequences bothered me.  So instead I felt compelled to look for a deeper meaning to life through what I feel is a more ethical approach based on different values to those which prevail within the predominantly capitalist world. It’s a complicated dichotomy in which I’ve looked for recognition whilst rejecting it at the same time, fortunately integrity prevailed  but it has left me to live a life of material struggle. I always found it difficult to believe in a system that thrived on exploitation, difference and relied on hierarchy, particularly when the success stories and role models that are expected to inspire us, usually have a status  built on profit from greed, and exploitation. And the problem with greed is that it is at the expense of inclusivity,  with little respect for the value of life and environment.

I struggle to see the value of money and how the world is encouraged to scramble for it in order to gain power and credibility, particularly when the true cost cannot be quantified through fiscal means because when an environment is lost for short-term gain, extinctions can’t be reversed. Funnily enough this is called progress and in my own life I’ve often been encouraged to pursue material wealth, but the bottom line is I just can’t because I feel compelled to tread gently with my life, disturbing things as little as possible. I may never have left europe but I’ve travelled a great distance in my mind and led what feels like an authentic life an earthy life without privilege beyond the time to explore  my creativity and the resulting freedoms.

I still can’t take the way we live in society seriously because it is at odds with the freedoms of being an artist and in Britain the state is getting more and more oppressive as we become more compliant in our response to the bullying perpetrated by the state, a state reliant on instilling fear into us all. It starts young these days too, my son who goes to a state school is imprisoned each day in a school compound with a high perimeter fence with spikes at the top. If he wishes to leave he must get authorisation and not only that if his attendance drops below 87% he is threatened with state intervention. There are endless examples of  threatening gestures and the school even seeks to have cctv cameras filming the lessons. The crazy thing is that none of this is questioned and everyone falls into line, fearfull of the ramifications of defiance. I personally couldn’t allow myself to be locked up all day in a gated institution which actively seeks to brainwash the children into compliance, it’s a crazy world these days.

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I’m often amazed at the levels of uncompromised commitment art requires to touch those higher levels of my capabilities. Inside I feel capable of producing some truly significant equestrian sculpture, because I feel I have an interesting range of abilities, but it requires a single-minded approach for me and total dedication, something  I was not capable of when I was younger. However I now feel able to go to whatever extremes it takes to realise what I feel I’m capable of and if that means a single-minded and isolated approach then that is fine.

For me this commitment has become total, to a point where my interest in the basics of life no longer have a hold on me, let alone the possibilities of fine dining, designer clothes, flash cars, the cool arty image and any of that shit. Because I really don’t care about all the societal conformity and the hollow victory of successes based on dilution and compromise. It’s basic rations for me in all aspects of life apart from my creativity as the defining force of my existence.

I’ve reached this point from the weight of disappointments that fell into my lap, there was just too much adversity, death and struggle. I needed something of substance to give me a meaning and to lift me out of what was becoming a consuming victim mentality, I had to take ownership of my life and live out my dream. That dream is to be one of the most innovative equine sculptors ever and to realise a level of originality through my own approach to the subject.  I believe I’ve come a long way towards living my dream, and in some ways my developmental growth has extended me into areas of possibility which I never thought possible. But I still have much further to go and I’m determined to use my life force to keep going beyond. I know that  no matter what work I produce and of what quality it is, I just see it as a stepping stone along my path, a marker. I’m pretty sure that I will never reach a defining point that will stop me in my tracks because life is a journey and achievement is usually relative to assumption. It’s strange but I no longer seek any glory because it has no meaning to the relevance of a work of art and can in fact be a distraction.

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I do realise I’ve reached quite an extreme in terms of my approach but it’s the only way I can make sense out of my life and I believe that only a few people are willing to make these apparent sacrifices because of their life experience. I feel I’m left with no choice because it feels like my only path to satisfaction in a life which has through circumstance guided me towards finding a meaning which feels significant on a personal level.

I’ve even reached a point where my life is not about success or failure, because these concepts are relative to specific contexts, so if I feel there’s a meaning and a purpose to my life I’m sure I will get a sense of achievement. I guess the beauty of life is that if you listen to the noise, see the sights and feel the world, then you will be taken to unexpected places within. I have found art to be highly philosophical and a vocation with an unfathomable depth, so much so that it has challenged my depths of shallowness to the point where I now struggle.

It’s kind of funny but for me to achieve anything through my art, it will have to come from my isolated and single-minded approach, and this is all my doing even though I was unable to see it in the past. I think that my defiant approach to all the disciplines of art and my inability to satisfy expectation and convention protected me from being assimilated into the system.

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❤ ❤ ❤

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