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Out on a Limb

July 15, 2015

 

303Five years ago I decided to change my life, I say decided but really I had no choice, because I had worked myself into a corner. The circumstances of my existence and aspects of my character had led me to a place where I was no longer interested or engaged by anything. In a way it was my lowest point ever but only because I felt like I’d hit the wall and quite frankly I didn’t have the energy or ability to climb over it. It’s so hard to explain but societal life had got me good and proper and my free spirit had left and gone away. But the problem was that I was so closed down on a human level that I was unable to enforce the changes which would liberate my soul.

Although I was alright in basic terms of functioning, I had lost the drive to push myself to extremes and the ability too, I knew I had something special to offer from within but these corrosive aspects of conformity had cauterized them and homogenized my difference. The circumstances which dumped me into my pit are too plenty to quantify in this blog, though they form a large part of what I write about in my reflections. But however I look at it, I now realise I had become locked into a way of living which didn’t have sufficient band-width and my perceptions of self and life needed to be shocked out of complacency. I knew life was for living but I just didn’t feel alive because I was trapped by burdens and could not break free. I think this was my brush with compromise and compliance to the regular values which are the enemy of art.

My journey of redemption started by an awakening through my work, as a piece of work I called soul~fields just started to happen and slowly manifest itself. It was life changing as I trusted in my instincts to pull me out of my malaise, and I followed the wisdom of my work out of darkness into a brighter world of opportunity. I often produced ideas beyond my own conceptual understanding and had to play catch up, sometimes I couldn’t understand what I was doing and perhaps never will. But I was on the march again and engaged by the challenges of life, compelled by lifes mysteries and the beautiful gift of being.

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A lot has happened for me over the past few years, my perceptions have been broadened through a sequential evolution of my thoughts and reflections from the trials of my life. And I now know that I really had to reach rock bottom in order to re-invent my perceptions of self and of life and society, it’s awful but I must be grateful for that period of desperation. Without it I would never have reached the level of creativity that I feel so proud to have attained and I would never have experienced the depths of understanding which come from sincere creativity.

The open pursuit of creativity is full of surprises and above all honesty has been quite a revelation for me because I grew to realise just how hard it is to be truly honest with myself and how hard it is to be honest and open with my creative gestures and words. In fact I still battle with honesty because I really don’t understand what the truth of being is and how truth and creativity fit within contemporary society. What I can say is that the assumptions which I hold as the markers of my current position are very much fixed in time and will almost certainly be replaced through my evolutionary creative growth, because nothing is constant outside of the moment.

So I’m wondering, where does that leave me now, because I’ve opened up my mind and analysed my circumstances to the point where I’m really in another abyss. An area of contemplation that feels vast and may have no answers beyond the connectivity of being, because fundamental existence may bypass the ordered rationalisation of conventional thinking, who knows? It’s just that through my pursuit of art and its possible applications in society, I’m finding incongruities which raise huge questions about perceived realities. And when I follow these hunches through I find myself in a position where there are no answers to my questions, when the context of society is removed.

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Is it my fate to make marks and gestures to record the transience of ephemerality, never truly understanding them and is that the point of my existence. Do I need to control and own absolute concepts or is it enough to touch briefly on the possible profundities through the creative gesture. And in doing so I may (if I’m lucky) take myself to the edge of my human possibility as an artist, defined by the legacy of questioning works without any absolute conclusion. But whatever transpires, at the very least I’ve made my contribution to a field of study which I feel is fundamental to civilisation, oh and btw that’s equestrian sculpture. It’s funny but I always knew I could introduce a breath of fresh air into equestrian art but I never realised just how far I could travel with it and each day I have to pinch myself when I think about the multitude of new ideas marked out through my drawing. At least in that respect I’m proud of my achievements thus far, though I feel that I have yet to realise my possibilities.

It’s just so not easy getting over myself, which I really need to do even though I’ve tried to press my reset button. Because in some respects I need to move forward with a certain amount of assurance out of my current phase of life, but it won’t be easy because the baggage I carry is still a little stuck to me. But I think with a little more work and contemplation that I may one day be able to walk my walk, freely making my own footsteps.

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❤ ❤ ❤

 

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