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Crossing the sea of uncertainty

July 23, 2015

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When I look back on my life I have a few regrets with regards to my art and the direction it took, in particular the fact that I found a powerful direction early on but felt unable to pursue it with he commitment it required. I was shy and humble back then with a gentle nature and I had huge pressures to make a living, I needed to be accepted into the art world and so without knowing I softened my approach to art and tasted a little success. I never succumbed to that world entirely and always maintained my independence, living in hope that things would change and that I would be afforded greater freedom. But that didn’t happen and if anything the implied pressures of the commercial gallery world only grew to further restrict the outcome of my artistic endeavour as I became a prisoner to the endless production of sculpture. I was trapped in this world and experiencing the failure of success, my life was blurred and out of focus, I didn’t know what I wanted any more because I had lost my way. Life is complicated because for some people commercial success is defining and brings a sense of meaning, but it didn’t for me, yes I was grateful for the sales but the true price felt like a sacrifice of the values which held me together as a person.  I felt like a sculptor in a straight jacket restricted and bound unable to access my truth because it may have offended the sensibilities of this closed world.

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I now believe that as an artist I have to find the courage to stand up and define a vision through my art, something which is not easy and requires a single-minded determination. Because it is difficult to express ones originality without fear in what is a judgemental and competitive society. In fact I’d go one step further and say the philosophical actuality of capitalism is both corrosive and toxic to the sensitivity of the creative process. In my own life I have struggled with finding the will and confidence to push my work and vision to the depths which I know are possible, I have gone a long way but I really have had to spend the last few years developing a personal strategy in order to go to that next level. I’m now slowly realising my possibilities through drawing and I believe that through the hardship of my existence I’ve earned the right to believe in myself and my abilities, enough at least to go ahead at full steam. So that is really what I’m doing, single mindedly pushing myself in the direction which I believe in and it’s working for me. My self belief is coming back a little more each day as my ideas develop and prove that I have something interesting to offer and out there in the virtual world things are moving and I’m aware of a growing interest and understanding of my work. I feel confident that my work is developing significantly and that on a human level I’m developing too. Over the past few years  I feel that I’ve gone through different stages as I dealt with the conceptual challenges of my art, in particular my shift from the rational and logical approach to a more spiritual one, which seems to have yielded the growing freedoms I now feel.

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I could have carried on as before but I made the changes and the last four to five years of my life have really been about the retrieval and development of self in order to realise what for me is a profound vision. I really believe I have something genuine to offer the art world but still fear exposing and exploring it, because of deep-rooted insecurities which stem from the subordination of the ordinary people within the hierarchy of society. It is a problem for me because I feel I have an ability yet I feared exploring it to the full, so I fight within and strive to realise it in a practical way and so that I can bring it out into the world.

The irony of the actuality of  my life, is that as an artist I feel that I have reached a level way beyond what I ever imagined and this comes down to the uncomfortable circumstances of my life. Because necessity provoked a reaction from the depths of my humanity by triggering instinctive reactions which protected me from the consequences of adversity. I’ve always maintained that shallowness comes easy for me because I smile and joke about absolutely everything, but life has also sobered me up and forced my hand through creativity, where I now feel that I’m reaching some profound levels.

Sometimes I feel that I’ve been struggling all my life for the sense of freedom, even though I was really unaware of what I was actually looking for beyond a feeling. I have fought so hard to extricate myself from the quagmire of societal dogma which has stifled my freedoms and conditioned my soul with  limitation.  I have always sought freedom, yet I’ve always been distracted from my truth by an invisible force of compliance, held in fear and concerned about the expectations others have in me. At times it’s unbearable because it’s like being trapped and suffocated by a feeling that blunts the intensity and truth of being.  I feel this all comes down to the socialisation through hierarchy and Britain as a nation is one of the masters of the supression of freedoms as it effortlessly maintains a rather questionable elitist status quo.

❤ ❤ ❤

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