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Goodbye my friends it’s hard to Fly

August 18, 2015

It's not easy being an artist

I’ve been unwell for a few days which required some rest, eventually I thought I’d watch a film to pass some time,  so I decided to watch one I’d recorded from the tv a few years ago. Well one of my children chose the movie, I think it was a ghastly X-Men film along with the annoying adverts which would appear every twenty minutes. It reminded me of my younger life and just how powerful the media of television was in shaping all our lives. It also reminded me of just how invasive American cultural and political values are in the world and in Britain particularly and what turned me into an unamerican dreamer. As a young child advertising was discreet and of course the BBC didn’t run adverts so I felt protected from the commercial interests of the ambitious corporate world. I’ve never been to America and I’ve no intention of ever travelling to America, yet my life has been strongly influenced by the American way of life. In fact so much so that I’ve had to fight to maintain my core values which deeply oppose capitalism and Mickey Mouse democracy, values which are in fact more in line with the native Americans. Because fundamentally I believe that the human values which we are born with are those of a sustainable and harmonious coexistence not only with people but all that is organic and the planet too.


In one sense it’s been a privilege to exist in such a turbulent time of transformation and technological development even though I chose a peripheral seat to observe it. A quiet seat from which I was able to observe and slowly awaken to the echoes of my personal endeavour. At first my life was set in the still of a self-imposed isolation (my first attempt to establish my own identity) and I slowly developed what I felt was the art of me, once I’d established myself with a delicate touch of certainty, I set about launching my ideas into society. It was all quite simple back then, but the world was changing and I chose to ignore the new values arriving in town. I know it was the right decision, but as the years passed by my reluctance to promote myself beyond my reality and refusal to jump on the roller coaster gravy train of easy money, was starting to have an effect upon my art. It created hardship on every level of my life taking me to the edge on many occasions, constantly testing and goading me to stand up and do what I was capable of. The problem I felt was that my true capabilities had the wrong values for the society in which I lived and I was unable to reconcile the difference between monetary value and the value of true art. I knew that what I wanted to achieve was the realisation of my own life and values but I’m a poor man and so it proved challenging. On reflection I would say that my career has in effect passed through the political transition from state control to corporate control something which I still feel reluctant to accept. And I can’t accept it because of my values, integrity and beliefs are that art is a fundamental human right and should be accessible to all, regardless of status or wealth. Art should not be owned and used for glorification but instead should be freely available and judged on its merit.


Growing up in Britain has been confusing for me because I feel like I’ve been groomed into a quasi American citizen, part of the imperial mass of indoctrinees. I do feel compelled to say that I have no issue with American people or culture within America, but what I do have a problem with is its global ambitions and subsequent impact on global cultural affairs. I first felt strongly about this in my late teens when I began to resent the dominant cultural infiltration into my own way of life, I remember it clearly, watching another late night film back in the seventies. It was an American film as usual and it was a detective/murder/serial killer type of movie, women being the victims as usual. I remember suddenly my conscious mind awakening from my myopic movie trance and I thought why the hell would I want to watch a film about the glorification of solving a fictitious serial killers activities, the murder, rape and mutilation of women that seriously disturbed my equilibrium and the answer is that I didn’t so I switched it off. I was aware at the time that I was being desensitized and faced being torn away from the core of my own being and the values which defined my existence. To this day I still can’t help wonder why anyone would want to watch such violent rubbish and facile escapism when life is such a beautiful gift. Why would you want to defile the sanctity and beauty of respectful existence with the violence, disrespect and exploitation of the vulnerable.


I’ve now feel that I understand a little better the evolving content of hollywood films and the psychology behind them, including control, fear  and desensitizing. Aspiring into the bigger, louder more violent, more explicit in a race, set to feed some kind of weird addiction and enforce some level of control. However this “why” question has remained at the core of my own approach to life and I have never been able to accept such content as enjoyable down time entertainment. So even though the art of being cool was winning us all over, the culture of violence and the values implied were deeply alienating my own sensibility. It’s funny because my mind has been saturated by all this “movie message” for years and yet somehow I’ve managed to protect a kernel of my own pure identity and so I have avoided becoming complicit and consumed. It may ostracize me from a few conversations and deny me those water cooler moments but I prefer it this way.

kick Ass

Just why I’m reminded of my youth again is a good question, but my battle to be “me” is ever evolving because now having embraced technology, I feel I’m once again slowly being groomed and lulled into the cultural comforts of  the Americanisation factor. This new world order where we all fall in line to his master’s voice, the one who has connected the world through his technological innovations and delivered countless trojans disguised as gifts, so that we may be laid bare in all we do, say, think and communicate. I often say that capitalism is quite beautiful, almost perfect because it is so simple at the core and it works effortlessly through the subterfuge of manipulation and the encouragement of values which are easy to adopt and fall in line with human traits. In one sense it is the complete package designed for world dominance, even though it is flawed, because resources are finite and the power is eventually held by such a minute elite that the illusion becomes transparent and exposed. Making it almost untenable, but also extremely vulnerable and hard to defend, simply because the problems at the top work their way down through the hierarchy. And as we can see at the moment there is a growing paranoia and need to spy on almost everyone and also use force to extinguish challenges both from the domestic front and internationally.

Rocking the gothic spider look

These values of capitalism are based on a competitive hierarchy, fuelled through individual greed, ego and vanity, lacking in compassion and are simply not inclusive beyond lip service and token gestures. This is why sport is such an important conduit for the message, to demonstrate and reinforce the values of competition, the winner and the loser exposed to the world, glory or ignominy. Individually, nationally and internationally sport plays a massive role in the shaping of human consciousness and the reinforcement of a prevailing approach to human existence and it is one which I now question after my period of reflection.  Victory at the expense of a loser as a demonstration that you must  try harder and remain focused within the parameters of the system, the hierarchy, the entrenched mind-set which has this hypnotic hold over us. Simple really and what levels we go to and are forced to, just so that we can be the quickest at a distance somebody decided was suitable. It’s so important to some nations  that they will go to any means to dope their athletes for glory on the world stage to reinforce supremacy and evoke the deep patriotism of national pride.


But you know what, when you switch your telly off, stop reading the papers and just live your own life, none of this actually matters and you start to think why are there so many silly rules about kicking balls and why do so many people go and shout in a stadium every saturday and even fight each other. And then the penny drops or it did for me that my whole life has been groomed into following and accepting the ridiculous as the norm and that all of these human constructs are elevated for a reason. And then for me I feel that I’ve been sold a lie and wasted so much of my own energy into meaningless constructs that at best pacify the bored mind with escapism whilst actively exploiting on so many different levels. With the box switched off you also realise that you are a person in this world with your own thoughts, ideas and beliefs which may not feed conveniently into the machine, yet gripped firmly by a society with all of its oppressive dogma.


Having now withdrawn very much from popular culture I see the cinematic world in a different light. I see it as controlling, dumbing down and putting people in their place through the enormity of the visual experience, which can lead the sensitive amongst us feeling rather shell-shocked. I also believe it is so engrained within contemporary culture that it perpetuates itself through the instigators, seamlessly with very little conscious direction or posturing. I know most people will say it’s just a film, don’t take it too seriously, but it’s just one of the mechanisms used for global domination. I guess its very much about following a formula and it’s allowed and directed through those who control the money, which brings me back to the financial issues which I feel control almost everything. Probably the most clever illusion that capitalism delivers to us all, an illusion that can freely allow subversion through its inability to be distributed to the masses, you can say and write what you like as long as you don’t kick up too much of a fuss. When the reality is that there is little truth or freedom within the paranoia of capitalism and the controlling elite. You see the problem is that capitalism is not based on transparency and truth and it isn’t because there is always an ulterior motive, that of profit and control, which I think may eventually bring its own downfall as people awaken to their increasing detachment. I believe the human spiritual needs are complex and within us all is the latent potential to connect to deeper levels of consciousness that can be triggered through this growing dissatisfaction of disconnection.


tangled 2

In fact if everyone switched off their tv’s, radio’s, laptops, phones and quit the newspapers, the world would change because the messenger would be silenced and people would realise life could be different. Maybe we (the ordinary people) could organise an international media boycott day to black out the propoganda and see what happens, it would be fun. But this is unlikely to happen, which is why change is needed so that we can live connected to who we are and the planet we live upon.  I know many people share my concerns and why so many young hacktivists try to make the internet a place of truth and transparency, just so they can be who they are without being told and force fed propoganda.

art gangsta

It’s a problem for me that I’ve grown up in a culture that has been overwhelmingly saturated by American values, I would even go so far as to say that I have been the victim of subliminal social engineering and over a period of time have witnessed my nations complete submission and compliance to the values of capitalism. The market economy, monopolization, corporation and the media message, it starts at the basic level, baseball caps, burgers, popcorn, hot dogs, movies, ray bans, Zippos, all sold to us through the art of being cool in movies, sit coms, music and every media possible. How to look, how to be cool how to interact, in short how to live out our own fucking lives. And whilst people may think its all ok and quite benign you really have to ask the question, what is behind all of this ? what is the motive? where is it all leading us and most importantly what is the impact upon the world and upon our own souls. Should  we just go along with the flow or should we stand up and actively change things. Should we learn to live our lives as just ourselves of should we continue to aspire to values imposed by others and live as sheeple, grazing on bullshit.

tangled repeat

There is a sinister psychology behind all of this cultural deluge, which is used to good effect, the repetition of the message slowly invades our consciousness and eventually we fall in and comply. We accept the generality of behavioural expectations and repeat the message within our own social groupings, we adopt the language and slowly become assimilated into the social norms which are imposed upon us. We are vulnerable and malleable after all and even a bit lost as we search for a place within society and a means of establishing our identity and place. My personal experience has been extremely unconventional because of my naturally awkward approach to life, but it has illustrated many flaws in contemporary society for me. And as I’ve explored these flaws, it has exposed a reality which I can only see as a construct based on values which are at best disingenuous. Values which affect almost every aspect of being and the generality of our existence, because it influences the feel of life.


I know that if I don’t use my art and my life to see through my own indoctrination that I may stand the chance of living a life entirely blinkered by a philosophy rooted with an oppressive and duplicitous motive. However I’m a fortunate man because I have a choice, my art is sophisticated and I could be a career artist making money or an artist of integrity who exposes the truth. Which brings me to what deeply troubles me, the fact that the truth of our lives and the value of our humanity is being sacrificed for an illusionary myth. Essentially a life of lies based on an imposed set of values which are steering us all into a rather strange and detached existence. A world of difference without compassion, a world of winners and losers and we accept it as fair game because we believe we live in a meritocratic democracy, I say do we really? For example I was born in a council house owning nothing in a country where we have a monarch who owns 6,600,000,000 acres of land which is approximately one sixth of the earth’s non ocean surface, how is that fair?

green man2

I do believe that however we live our lives, is of course not entirely natural or fundamental but it’s a question of degrees, very important degrees. And I believe that every life is valuable and that people should have the chance to be educated and free to live their lifes with dignity  in a fair society that is both democratic and meritocratic. A shared world of shared resources where the perversity of utter greed is banished to the history books along with abject poverty, Where people are born equal and have equal access to the resources and the information humans have gathered. Because the reality is that we are denied all of this whilst under the illusion that we live in a fair society, bluntly we are put in our place and if we are not compliant we are punished and if we can find the means to truly threaten the status quo then we are extinguished.


mug shot

Contemporary society has gifted us the rapidly evolving internet and the gift of social media turning the world into a global social village and as with all gifts there is a huge price to pay, if we want we can turn a blind eye towards it, we can stake our allegiance and exist in the realms of escapist fantasy for an entire lifetime. But I can’t because I feel the force of the source in the virtual world as the rivers of subliminal indoctrination flow into my life. With the river of Facebook leading the invasive path into each of our lives, spreading the message from the source, delivered by the appliances and media of the American giants , Microsoft and Apple. I can’t help but question  the irresistible urge to manipulate and tamper with the flow from the megalomaniac powers that be, having all this at their fingertips. A beautifully engineered trojan, seemingly a tool of empowerment but in reality a controlling beast in the armoury for the enforcement of globalisation. This strange viral world with its dumbing down, the soundbite culture, the subliminal messaging, the excessive advertising, even has the ability to set markers for social standards and values. Of course it is a slowly evolving phenomenon and for now it needs a little direction at source to magnify the messages of conformity and so slowly we become seduced by what appears as a benign gift. Seduced again through vanity ego and narcissism  in the likey likey world of selfies and look at me, I’m on holiday, I’m out eating, look at my new car, aren’t I wonderful and clever. Unfortunately capitalism doesn’t operate in the way of offering a free lunch because there is always a price to pay and the internet and social media has just become another conduit through which we can be, exploited, dumbed down, extorted and ultimately controlled. Which is why when you think about it a little compromise goes one hell of a long way.


The problem is that we become blind to the truth, not only intentionally but blinded and mesmerised by the vastness of it all so much so that we all become compliant in our own spiritual incarceration. All those that feed into the infrastructure of the machine aren’t even aware of their contribution and its dark side, as they are rewarded for innovation like, Zuckerberg and Gates so beautifully threaded into the global hierarchy. But those who have the integrity for truth and transparency can all foul and perish like Aaron Schwarz. Their names and reputations besmirched by the authorities and their ability to spread the word of defamation into the global consciousness. The global economic masters holding the ultimate tools of leverage to enforce the will of the high and mighty, in this world fuelled by corruption beyond the imagination of the likes of me.


I used to be a socialist once but then I realised that politics was a mere distraction in my life and thoughts, a sideshow, an arena of negative conflict and that humanity didn’t need to be run or controlled by systems based on historic values and customs, because “values” are far more important than following imposed rules that are there for reasons past and so as humanity races towards indifference and disconnection through the dogmas of economics, I can’t help but wonder what the outcome will be. You see capitalism has also taken away the need for politics and replaced it with a world economy which doesn’t need the inconvenience of political philosophy. Instead it needs puppets to manage it with the puppet masters being truly anonymous. And so it comes down to quite a bleak picture in which the world is directed by an elite super rich who ultimately control our fate and it’s all traceable, we know who they are.



I’m led to believe that there are right and wrongs in basic morality of human values, however many excuses are used to deceive us, and the morality which underpins our existence is flexible as far as the state is concerned. But not for the individual, we as people are not free because the societies we are born into will impose their rules upon us and we must accept this framework of rule and law. This is why phony democracy is a crime against humanity because we are simply unable to change the system without revolution. And because of this there is injustice and exploitation on every level, there is a status quo and a hierarchy protected by the rule of law. And although a few token plebs will be able to rise through the ranks to paint a picture of equal opportunity the ruling classes will prevail. This is unacceptable and yet we the masses just allow it all to happen, subordinated to the ruling class as the oppressed majority. Essentially brainwashed into accepting the compromise that in turn leads to a compromised existence in which we are denied an equal opportunity.


four legged friend

All I ever wanted to do was produce my art and be rewarded for my endeavours with a dignified life, but instead I came across countless barriers and a ridiculous set of hoops to jump through. So I’ve battled in silence to the point where I had no choice but to deconstruct the society in which I live to discover just why my life has been so fucking difficult. The outcome is that I now have a deeper understanding of my fate and a deeper understanding of the corruption that is endemic in western capitalism. If only I’d been able to proffer conformity and compromise with lashings of mendaciousness, my life would have followed a different trajectory. But I chose my truthful path and I believe that my lack of success has led to me becoming a better person with greater wisdom, but most importantly it has led to the personal discovery of  a deeper meaning and reason for art. My art is yet to blossom because my mind has been so distracted by my circumstance, I do believe that my findings will eventually set me free and break down the final obstacles which are holding me back. But at least I’m truly alive and awakened to the truth of my circumstantial reality and the beauty of my own existence in the wonderment of the planet I call home, where I’m proud to be a citizen of humanity on planet earth.



I could have made some great sculptures to be put out there in the world, Hell “I  could have been a contender” but it simply wasn’t to be, something which I’ve finally had to accept with a heavy heart, because in that sense the system has broken me beyond repair. I no longer have the ambition or energy to even look for any further opportunities and endure any further fruitless journeys. I had always developed my work and ideas with the intention of creating exciting and dynamic monumental sculptures, sculptures with depth based on the simple splendidness of human experience, but it wasn’t enough. And now I just can’t play that game of jumping through the hoops held by people who have no understanding of art or sculpture, people who without knowledge will judge me to be either fit and worthy or not to have my work exposed to the public. You see I’ve grown up as an artist and I know the score in my own life and I understand my own ability. I make the art I believe in and not the art people want me to or require for corporate convenience. It’s quite simple really I aint no one’s bitch and so I have to make changes, yes I will continue to make the occasional small sculptures and draw but I need something else to fire my imagination and relight my fire and enthusiasm for artistic expression.



My soul is still very much agitated by the bruising experiences of life and perhaps it’s time for me to retreat once again to really find out who I am now and find out if I still have anything of value to offer through my creative expression. It’s complicated to explain but the truth of my creativity must be realised through a deep solitudinal reflective process. A period in which I hope to discover something which is not ambitiously reaching out for a reaction but reaching out with some meaningful content, something to offer which is not forced, ego based or needy. I don’t yet know what it is or even if it is possible to find what is in effect a peaceful and true approach that will get nearer to satisfy my yearning to create art with true value. But I do know deep within that I have no choice but to follow my intuition untill I find my way and the inner peace that I need in order to be able to rest my agitation.



To do this I must avoid distraction and resist the temptation to air my work on the social media and withdraw back into the arms of the physical world, which is why I’m writing my definitive blog. A statement of where I am before I pack up and move on into my unknown, I’ve enjoyed it on FaBoo and my blog but now I simply have to concentrate my energies with greater precision and walk my own walk in my own wilderness, where my art can just exist. I’m so exhausted from all my efforts which have all led back to the glaring reality that my life and fortune is something which I can only realise within and so I’m no longer willing to force myself by exposing my creativity whilst living with false hopes. As an artist you can easily be drawn into a world of chasing and this world has a habit of making me feel inadequate for just being me, provoking and cajoling me to dig deeper in order to prove myself through my art. But I’ve had enough now and have no choice but to withdraw and forget the free for all which I have allowed to permeate the depths of my soul.




The last four years has been a huge personal battle for me, which was really a make or break situation, one which I have shared here on my blog.  It’s been a rollercoaster on the verge of crashing but I’ve survived, grown a bit and healed a lot too, but the most important thing is that I found the courage to be me, unafraid to express myself, however I see fit. I’ve made friends as well as lost friends and I’m now happy to just be plain little old me. The side effects of my adventure have been on a physical level because I have really over done it a bit on the physical side, which I believe is taking a bit of a toll on my health.  A lack sleep,  over exercising and a poor diet lead to problems and so I must declare that this chapter of my life ” The little odyssey” is over, and with a good job done. And so I must invent the next chapter of my life but this time I will timetable in a bit of rest, a healthy diet and a moderate excercise regime.


I’ve had a lot of support here over the years and it has really helped to direct me from being in the centre of a place called “the Island of Lost Souls” I truly appreciate it and would like to say thanks to all who read commented, followed and liked, because I have genuinely appreciated it. xxx

Dec 2013


Apologies, but I couldn’t resist the retrospective of selfies because they illustrate my little odyssey so well. 🙂

Bye For Now

❤ ❤ ❤

  1. gkazakou permalink



  2. Good bye for now 🙂 but I will be back when I feel refreshed


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