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Defining my Creativity

October 22, 2015

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I’ve been blogging my thoughts, reactions and reflections for about four years now as I’ve struggled to cross into a new stage of my existence and I feel that I may have arrived. I feel this because whilst my past will always pollute my present with some noise, I’m finally able to live with it and accept it. And I can do this because through my writing I’ve become aware of my reality with a more detached perspective, allowing me to understand my life and experiences. As to whether there will be any more purpose in blogging, I really don’t know, though if I continue I feel that it will be about the pursuit of freedom through art.

I’ve reached a stage in my life where I would like to define my creativity, by exploring my impulse’s and my desire for connectivity, in the hope that I may understand what drives me to extremes. Extremes which take me to points of desperation, as I battle with the frustrations of being caught up in the complex webs spun out by the mechanisms of society.  To understand why I’m driven to the edge, to go beyond my capabilities so that I may discover something new. And I wonder if there can ever be any true satisfaction for the enquiring mind beyond the recognition of a personal evolutionary development.

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In this loud and vibrant Contemporary society, I feel blinded and deafened by the onslaught and sheer weight of stuff, beamed out of everything and everywhere. So much so that I retreat to the solitude of my personal space where I reflect and try to understand my existence in the context of where humanity is. To gain a perspective from the microcosm of my own existence in relationship to the wider world and our existence within the infinite infinities. And as ideas unfold I’m surprised by the extraordinary nature of what appears to me quite naturally and how it represents where I am and the extraordinary nature of life.

For years I’ve battled to come to terms with the context of my existence and so I can be free to move forward and I may just be ready now, ready to move forward with a modicum of theoretical understanding. Though I need to lay out my own priorities and uncover my reason for being, simply because I’m driven to do so. Maybe I take art and the responsibility of being an artist too seriously, though I feel that art has taught me so much and I really wish to share it through my work. I also want to be able to produce truthful art, the art of an expression from within, unaffected by the confusion of contemporary expectation, yet representative of my time. Art of a timeless nature yet with a clear position in the evolution of humanity and maybe there are three elements here which must be reflected, the past, the present and the future. I guess I must start by defining why I create, where I see myself in the context and lineage of human expression and what I perceive to be my place in that world.

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The starting point is simple in one respect because as a child I enjoyed just being a child, then at sixteen I was expected to make some life choices, I guess that’s called growing up,  I chose art as my subject at school and immediately found that sculpture came quite naturally to me. Funnily enough, even back then it offered me a way to express myself with freedom from the imposition of a defined language, and I enjoyed the grounding nature of the process. I think it must have been intuition which guided me into the only vocation which would allow me to break free and realise the purpose of my existence and my desire to just be me. It’s quite curious this life and often it’s only on reflection that you understand the circumstances and the consequences of who you are. Society by its hierarchical nature sets us apart and so even if we are not interested in competitive practice, our actions are assumed as being such. I’m not competitive by nature but I remember at college the frictions created by my prolific production of sculpture and how people got upset by it. But back then I had no idea why, because art was my personal struggle and I would blaze my own trail regardless of the actions or intent of others. Later in life I would also encounter the problems of  this competitive society as I watched friends selfishly grab all the work using any excuse as leverage. I would also witness the often bitter rejections by those who rose to positions of power within the art world, but as always I just got on with my own thing. I could not change the prevailing attitudes of my time and I really did not want to become consumed by them.

Once I became fully committed to art at the age of about 21, I realised through my studies that there were huge gaps within the equestrian and figurative practice of sculpture. There had been gestures pointing towards new possibilities which had simply not been explored and I was quite surprised. It felt like a rich vein of possibilities waiting to be explored and realised,  I felt then and still do that it is a very important aspect of human expression which needs to be recognised. I realised it was my place and purpose, though I was very timid and shy, so cautiously I set about my lifes work. I had low self-esteem back then because I was not a player in society and my lack of a competitive nature would leave me to hang back and retreat, I was simply not going to join the scramble to grab  as much as I could because it didn’t feel right. However as time passed my esteem grew through my achievements in my sculpture though I was never able to brag or push myself out there. I don’t put myself out there because I am who I am, my work is me and very personal and because of this I’m unable to make false claims. I think this is why I’ve struggled to realise my vision because life is brutal and competitive and I needed to protect myself and my innocence in order to fulfill my purpose. I can say proudly that I think I’m succeeding, having found my promised land, my space and place in this world as an artist and I’m proud of it, because I fought for it. Fought and struggled against the prevailing trends to maintain the sanctity of my purpose, so that my art could blossom and bear the fruit from those early seeds.

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And that brings me to where I am now and my hopes and aspirations for the future, which I feel confident about regardless of the wider implications of finding a place for my work in this world. Because I’ve come so far and developed a unique contribution to sculpture unaided, I feel  like I’ve succeeded as the true artist I once aspired to being, living in society without any protection having fought off the forces of compromise.  For withstanding the pressures of conformity and never accepting the values of capitalism, I feel somewhat victorious and full of hope. It has taken more courage than I anticipated and I’ve taken more hits than I expected, but I’ve stood up to it all and each time I’ve been knocked down I’ve got straight back up and got on with what I believe in.  But now finally, the shards of my disparate life have come together and with this cohesive whole I can move forward with a level of fortitude and belief. I feel I can at last assume a level of certainty and belief in my own judgement and take my work to the next level, because I know there is just so much room for improvement and development that it would be foolish of me not to continue. I just feel that my life up to now has been about making a clearing for me to explore my approach to creativity.

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And so as a single ordinary being I feel enough resolve to pursue something I whole heartedly believe in regardless of the consequence and without fear. Because my belief in the sanctity of art is fixed within my soul, a companion to my existence and the substance which holds my belief. I want to make art which moves me and hopefully others like the art which has moved me and sent shivers through my own body. To touch and be touched by a level of humanity that bypasses the insincerity of the commercial values which drive so much of modern society, so that it cuts through to the soul. I still believe it is possible to do this with art though it must be fought for and sacrifices must be made. But the rewards of creativity are so profound that they cut through the superficiality of objectification and desire and you grow to realise that there is no greater reward than the creation of a significant art. So my reality is an unadorned life defined by substance and not a life bathed in the superficial luxuries of success. Which is my way of saying, I drive a crap car, dress in cheap clothes, eat cheap food, holiday in a tent, so that I can live a priceless life without luxury.

Yes I have lived and experienced great turmoil and confusion, I’ve also had great joy and I’m still smiling and in a way grateful for a life which has taught me so much, because I’ve experienced a great breadth of human possibility. My work reflects my reality and is my only true outlet, the only way I can express how I feel, through the mystery of equestrian composition.

Have a beautiful day ❤

2 Comments
  1. gkazakou permalink

    I always like to read your “confessions”. Today I want to ask wether you would like to develop further the sentence ” there were huge gaps within the equestrian and figurative practice of sculpture. There had been gestures pointing towards new possibilities which had simply not been explored”. Greetings from Greece.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Gerda, It would be hard to explain it in a comment so may write a blog about it. I feel that the dynamic possibilities of composition and metaphor have not been explored in depth through sculpture. I feel Marini touched upon it, but it has not been championed by contemporary society. The horse not only has a great historical place within civilisation, because it still has a huge relevance, if of a somewhat different nature. :)))

      Like

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