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April 13, 2016

A Momentary Fixation

I will attempt to conclude my blog with the remaining 0.4% of space I have here on WordPress, because I feel that this chapter of my life is over and I need to move forward. To move away from all that has been holding me back so that I may explore my creativity with my new-found freedom. Because I feel a need to create without the negativity I felt had invaded my life as I became consumed by ways alien to my inherent nature. Having redefined art for myself I now have to walk that walk and learn to embrace silence once again. To live out my life in the pursuit of defining my own truth and reason for being, so that I will not feel the frustration of an inadequate and unresolved life. I can live with the fact my work means little to my society, but I will not let the fuckers get me down and remain determined to hold firmly to my beliefs.

Recently I had an epiphany moment and realised that over the past five years I’d actually discovered the pathway to my own reality. A fundamental reality which is all too easy to overlook in the thick of a society which is dependent on conformity and the imposition of ideologies. For me it’s that Eureka moment and whilst I feel excited I also realise that there is no happy ending, for it is just another step up the ladder. And my reality is one in which  I will always feel like I’m caught between two worlds, like the Bridge that I am. Whilst I still maintain that life is a most beautiful tragedy, I believe that we must shine and blossom in our own cycle, before the light fades. The life of a slowly evolving consciousness to be as complete as it is incomplete.

Yes my life will always be full of issues but at least I can feel assured that I’ve considered my options and questioned as much as possible. Though I still can’t help but see the whole art world thing as a bit bullshitty, a puerile dilution of profound philosophical intent, so that art can be picked over like Tapas. Bespoke offerings to flatter the palette of a world blinded by the imposition of societal dogma, in what is a show of indulgent self-adulation. And it’s because I feel like this I must pursue my own agenda and definition of art, the humble art of the questioning soul, realising that there are no answers or absolutes in the pursuit of lives mysteries.

As an artist I’ve experienced significant struggles in my life, caught in a dichotomy between two sets of values. Those imposed upon me by society and those I feel define a fundamental truth which I experience through my creativity. Something which has always torn me apart, caught between two worlds, believing in one and dependent upon the other for material needs and some assurance. Then finally I realised that I’m alone, that nobody could understand me if I didn’t understand myself, furthermore I realised that the advice and influence of others was only deviating my direction further from my own path. So my answer was to respond to the actuality of my own solitary existence and resolve my issues through an internal dialogue in which I hoped to find an authentic truth. To find satisfaction from the pursuit of personal endeavour and learn to believe in self, so that I may identify the merit of my practice and offer something wholesome through my art. However I also understand that everything is relative and so there can be no benchmark of success or failure and in this light my art is merely an offering. An offering beyond the vagaries of subjective  judgmental opinion and yet open to the multiple aspects of varying interpretation.

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It’s an awkward state of being for the artist and quite punishing, because the message of my art is all about gaining insight into humanity. To strip away the veneer and confront a truth which I feel is almost taken away by traditions, customs and the philosophical ethos of societies. The awkward truths of actuality which are far too often denied by the imposition of conventional wisdom. Which makes it hard for us to awaken to the mystery of our spiritual existence and hard for us to live our lives in the true spirit we feel inside. So a part of my work is about agitating the perception of our whole in order to create a space to think and question what is often taken for granted through assumption. Something I do through distortion, division and dissonance and of course my search for originality, so that I may offer something fresh. Though I realise that I have no universal answers, but instead answers to the questions posed by the circumstance of my own existence. Which is why I celebrate mystery with my work and attempt to follow my intuition with a level of humility.

But this hold on visual dysfunction is tenuous and varied in my work, as I look to my extremes in search of creative fulfilment. And no matter how far I push, it never seems enough to satisfy me and that is because there are no limits. Yet limits are imposed upon our lives and thoughts, through the omnipresent values championed by society. But as I reflect upon my work I realise that I’m at least managing to express the way I feel about life and what I feel is important to our existence, at a time when globalisation is suppressing our individuality. The globalisation which is responsible for delivering generality and disconnection to our daily lives.

As an artist who finally became caught up within the system, I found that part of me had to be silenced to get on that and part of my oeuvre must be quashed. And whilst I though I was maintaining a truth, it was just a mere illusion and the reality is that my art had become compromised and diluted. But my art is my life long companion and the focus of my life force, so I was unable to make the ultimate sacrifice. Which is why I endure this personal struggle and face up to the consequences and it’s also why I chose to live a more withdrawn life. It’s still a crazy life in which part of my work is exhibited and sold and the other part remains unseen because of the institutional conservatism we are subjected to.

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My work can’t just exist in the vein of singular idealistic gestures because there is more to our lives and truthful art (in my opinion) must expose the breadth of human experience, if it is to resonate beyond being a sycophantic back slapping exercise. Now I realise that after thirty years I’m not going to get that break which will allow me to showcase my work to the world. And so I will withdraw from the folly of such dreams and return to my reclusive ways. I’ve shared my thoughts and work on the internet for long enough and have grown to realise the futility of casting it out into the great abyss.

I still believe the beauty of art is that it can set you free as a human being, because the laws of creativity cannot be defined, controlled or delineated beyond  a questionable consensus of opinion. And because of this you are free to interpret the very definition of art, how you see fit. Though it’s not exactly a picnic in the park as freedom can also be a curse, because  a life without boundaries within the restrictions of society is at best awkward. You see, I feel  we’re pretty much brought up and socially engineered by the mechanisms of society which imposes concepts of restricted practice in quite a prescriptive way. And as we know art and creativity can be about an adventure into the unknown.

I was hoping this would be a simple blog, but alas it’s not to be, you see I was wanting to explain how through exploring imagery I was able to deconstruct perceptions of being and identify the fluidity of truths and realities. The parallel narratives of life, depicting who we are in society and who we actually are to ourselves, as defined in the insularity of our own absolute reality and existence. And it is who we are that interests me as an artist, because in defining self, beyond the reactions and interference of others, is where I feel the truth of my existence lies. So my art is not directed by reaction but instead generated from a deep belief within and in that sense it can exist without ever being seen by others.  And right now I feel strong enough to once again, pursue my art in isolation, to live without validation and explore my philosophical odyssey with a level of purity. And so I will continue to subsidise my work through the sale of a few sculptures and prints whilst maintaining my focus on what feels like a profound intent of truth.

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Fundamentally I feel that art is about empowerment of the individual, a liberating force through which we get to take an unguarded peek at ourselves. Which is why I choose the path I’m on and I just hope that my personal liberation through art comes across in an inspirational way. My message being that everyone is not only worthy but also capable, and deserving of equality. That we should be classless and free to enjoy the possibilities of our shared existence.

So my issues as an artist have become condensed into something fairly simplistic (for now at least) and I can march forward, because everything feels to be in its right place. But most reassuringly for me is the fact that I’ve emerged from a sate of feeling lost in my own ruins, to one of being found and able to move forward with some assurance and self-belief. In my own life I feel like I’ve climbed a mountain but to the world I’ve barely stumbled over my shoelace. At least I can now write, draw, sculpt and talk in an open and honest way and proudly take ownership of all my actions. However the most important development for me is the clarity which has returned to my ways of seeing and from this I can make my art with the certainty art requires.

The process of healing is complicated but vital, in order to overcome the bruising experiences we endure within our societies. And in the end, life is really born out of our abilities to deal with life long adversity. I for my part have wrestled with the contradictory influence society has placed upon my soul and at long last found a way of seeing through it all. Seeing through to the cosmic reality of our existense as we hurtle through infinite space, aboard our solar vortex. An existence bound by the sensory limitations bestowed upon our gift of human mortality, but none the less, still  challenging. Sometimes I even wonder what lies beyond my perceptive possibilities and scale, because I feel the mystery which lies beyond my grasp. And at least for now I’ve loosened the grip  of, the restrictive practice of social order, and found a freedom and motivation beyond. So that I can work as an artist outside of the restrictions which had a stranglehold over me. To this extent art is serving me well as I stumble towards a freedom in which I can think and evolve without conforming to the distractions of trivialised  societal invention. And ultimately my success in human terms will not be measured through a status within my society but through my own feelings based on my own connection to the life force that runs through me.  To further simplify my ambition I would say that it centres around achieving a solitary freedom so that I may think with clarity.

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I have space for one more blog which I will write when I’ve decided  what I’ll do with my online presence, So for now thank you very much, ❤ ❤ ❤

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