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Like Most Normal People

February 3, 2019

We choose paths in life which lead to our own bespoke adventures. In my life I’ve always been provoked by the temptation to be honest with myself, to cut through the bullshit and see life in its naked truth. I have played the game at times and chased a rat or two however I soon got bored with the ego flattering rewards that had no substance under scrutiny. And it’s because of disappointment that I’ve searched for some substance and truth to create an impression of existential validation.

A life beyond competitive concerns in which there is nothing to prove because what is actually right and wrong or good and bad. Are some things better or just different, is a belief a transitory affliction or a life long shackle. I don’t have any answers because I don’t really know or understand anything with absolution. I just feel that certainty is an ephemeral state in a life subject to a flow which requires change and readjustment. Because life changes us if we can release our beliefs and open up our minds.

In my life and works as an artist I’ve never felt contentment and resolution because of lifes fluid nature of existence in which there is no singular solution or achievement. The I can’t get any satisfaction bit has been one of my toughest challenges, because it stripped me of any ambition beyond the desire to express myself in some way. I found a human truth within that doesn’t need validating in any formal way. So as an artist I look to express myself through exploring what feels relevant to my lifes circumstance.

As an artist I became tired of my art being used to judge me and I became tired of defending my creativity. Tired of trying  to get backing so I could share my work with a bigger audience. Bottom line is I’m just another ordinary single soul, an equal looking for a meaning and purpose. There is an irony to my tale, which is, that the lack of success led to my greatest success. Because in the soul-searching which my struggle provoked, I was forced to see life from a new perspective. A perspective which set me free and able to move in new directions, beyond what I imagined possible.

I still struggle on a material level but my mental torment has dissipated, simply because I’ve nothing to prove to anyone. It’s an outsiders perspective which I feel gives me a greater understanding of society, the mechanics of capitalism and its effects on humanity. As an artist I think one often feels the effects of society without truly being a part of it, because of the unquantifiable nature of expression. I don’t feel like a stakeholder in my society because I don’t feel a strong connection to it, or not as connected as I feel to my own humanity. My sense of belonging is to the cause of existence and not the cause of specific societal confinement.

Identity is important to me but when I look at the world I see a cultural, political and religious divide in humanity. One species divided and warring in a spiral of negative conflict and blood-letting. A world where geography dictates who and what we are. Which is why standing behind a flag of national pride may in fact be a slightly false identity engineered through cultural conditioning. I’m a product of Britain therefore I’m British, but what if I don’t feel British or if I disagree with Britishness. What if I feel like a citizen of nowhere and just an existential entity. How then do I define myself and do I need to feel the belonging to a collective identity. The real question being is how can I feel free whilst being confined by the parameters of one society in a divided world? The answer for me has been to become more withdrawn and to focus my mind on thinking in my own private space. To take that journey in my mind where there are no rules

Like think writing out aloud here in my blog where I share some thoughts and let my unfettered thoughts float free in this little space and place. My place of words where I want to be able to have a conversation without reservation, although it can be a bit of a monologue city. But the amazing thing is, that the discipline of writing my blog allows me to formally process my thoughts and it clarifies my thinking allowing me to move forward in a similar way to my art making practice. It’s also liberated me in that I feel enabled to say, write or feel anything, to be comfortable with my own voice and thoughts. To accept the eccentricity which defines individuality within the similarity the collective existence of most normal people.

Have a great day 🙂

 

 

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